Re: "I'm sick of motherfuckers tryin' tell me that they're down with Prince"*

50 Cent Jr. Ne-Yo,


This should have been easy for me.

I should have came up with an insult the moment I read this:

I want to hear Prince singing some of my lyrics before I die...

It took me a day to figure out what I wanted to say. I wanted to go the "Prince's a Jehovah's Witness! He wouldn't touch 'When You're Mad' (let alone you)" route at first.

I wanted to combine this little quote of yours with this video.

I wanted to talk about "So Sick" and how it wouldn't stand up to the worst songs in Prince's catalogue.

Now since I don't have to stare at a computer screen waiting for things to print out, I can finally type this, what I should have said a day ago:

Prince doesn't know who you are.

Thank you.


Penny Woods

P.S. Tell your manager that I'd rather hear In My Own Words on a loop while looking at that dumb poem on the back of the In My Own Words jewel case for the rest of my life than beat you up for your chain and money--you'll need to use that when your advance runs out and you have to work beside Bow Wow cooking fries and reheating hamburgers at McDonalds. Smile!

(Pics: FemaleFirst.co.uk, MS Special)

*Lyric from Hot Chip's "Down with Prince" from their album Coming On Strong.

Re: Horseman

Dear BET,

First last year's BET Awards, and now this (along with the Mission: Impossible 3-themed Saturday).

Not to sound racist and not to sound lke I want to ban all white people from BET, but since when did this little crazy man-horse person, a man that I have refused to put on my blog after all the crazy shit he's done in the past few weeks,


deserve to be on BET?

I know I should turn away if I don't like your programming, but if there's nothing on TV and I don't want to see a bunch of no-names lipsync on Soul Train, I watch your network...with the mute button turned off. But the sight of a horse-man being on your network along with Ving Rhames (an actual human being, by the way) is going to scare the bejesus out of me. Especially if Ving doesn't smack Horseman upside the head like he was supposed to months ago while filming M:I3.

If you must ban a white man on BET, make it this man ASAP.

Please get that crazy motherfucker away from your network and put him back in the pasture with the other horses he desperately needs to be with.


Penny Woods

(Pics: lime-light.org via A Socialite's Life, MS Special)

Re: Your potentially crazy girlfriend

Tyler Perry,
If you don't know by now, I hate Media Take-Out with a passion.

I hate them so much that whenever someone at ONTD posts anything about Media Take-Out and I try to tell them that Media Take-Out bullshits at least some of their stories (i.e. "Terrence Howard is gay!" "Eminem is suicidal!") people look at my posts like I'm crazy (like someone in the community who suggested I look at Eminem's lyrics at proof that he's suicidal--despite the fact days after the rumor Eminem was at Proof's funeral. I refuse to comment).

I didn't believe that you were linked to this crazy woman at first.


Until the Boston Herald put out their report. (I found it at DListed, BTW.)

And while I was out enjoying some local block parties that the town I live in won't cancel and the student paper won't write bad editorials about, solitare found this and posted it at crunk and disorderly.

It must be at least 30% true. You must being seeing this crazy woman in some way.

Tyler, stop seeing her.

She's just going to make crazy faces to all your relatives and speakreallyfastwhenshesreallyhappy!

Look, Crazy Woman is what keeps me from relaxing when I watch The Crazy Former Model Talk Show (but, oddly enough, not America's Next Top Model because she usually doesn't appear in the whole episode). I don't care if you're (allegedly) gay or not, step away from the Crazy Woman. She's about as dangerous as an actual Weapon of Mass Destruction except she talks and has her own shows and even a music video which should qualify as a WMD when it was revealed to the American public.


Penny Woods

(Pics: Tyler Perry's official page, UPN.com, MS Special)

Re: Your stunning new tan

Paris, hon,

This is the closest you'll ever be to being Black.


Enjoy.


Penny Woods

(Pics: Just Jared, MS Special)

Re: The National Anthem

By reader request, here is the letter I've been dying to write (at least at this moment)! I would have had this up earlier, but I'm in the middle of writing a 12 page paper at the last minute. I'm sure you understand.

Dear Musiq (do you use Soulchild nowadays, or is that just a thing in the past?):

As a lot of us know by now, you butchered the National Anthem at the Michael Jordan All-America game.

Damn, when news announcers are making fun of you and the channel that they work for puts a stream of the incident on the Internet for all to view, I have no sympathy for you. They even spelled your name wrong (as music soul child)! I wonder if you're going to write to them about how the interns there misspelled your nom de plume or not. I'm guessing you won't for fear of being heckled by those same interns that will most likely not change your name on your website because they're still laughing at that footage too hard to put their fingers on their keyboards.

Did you not see this lady get heckled for forgetting the National Anthem at a hockey game? Did you not know the consequences?

Did you not watch The Jacksons: An American Dream? The Jackson Five learned the National Anthem at the last minute (at least according to the movie). If you didn't know the National Anthem, why didn't you look up the lyrics (all you needed to do was Google United States National Anthem lyrics) and learn them before you stepped on that court?

Oh, yeah, aren't you a recording artist? Aren't you supposed to know the National Anthem better than all the people that don't win American Idol each season?

If Rhonetta knows the National Anthem better than you do, you may as well get a poncho because in the future popcorn and nacho cheese is going to be thrown when you try to sing the National Anthem. And yes, if they let you go on a golf course and sing the National Anthem, there will be people that are going to sneak popcorn and nacho cheese onto the course. Trust me.



Penny Woods

(Pics: Amazon.com, MS Special)

Stream brought to you by Angel LA

Re: Get over it already!

Dear Terry McMillan,


I love your novels. How Stella Got Her Groove Back is one of my favorite novels of all time. I don't care if you still regret the relationship that spawned the book. I'll still love that book.

Recently you've gone on a campaign to explain how embarrassed you are for marrying your ex-husband. Granted, he could have be more upfront about his sexual tendencies, but damn, you seriously have some broken gaydar.

You've whined about your relationship (and how dangerous you think Jonathan is) on Oprah. You've whined about it on BET. Now you're going to write a memoir about it.

At this rate, you will spend the rest of your life driving the rest of the world (that cares) crazy with how much you regret marrying a gay man.

Look, Terry, I want you to write more novels--and not about how much you hate Jonathan for deciving you. Get back to basics. Write more novels (that may be turned into terrible films) like Stella or Waiting to Exhale. (For the record, I thought Disappearing Acts the movie was good.) If you keep bitching about how much Jonathan apparently ruined your life in your books, I'm going to order a book-burning of every book released after your memoir. I hate to do it--I oppose book burnings because classic books such as The Satanic Verses could have been lost forever if some copies of those books were not preserved--but for the sake of the world (that cares), I will threaten to do it.


Penny Woods

(Pics: AALBC.com, MS Special)

Re: 50 Cent

Oh, dear, not you again.

You really love 50 Cent, do you?

I don't get what you see in 50 Cent. God knows he goes against your whole "I love the kids!" motif.

Now you claim you're going to work with him on his new album (or at least Billboard.com thinks you are).

50, very much like some of the people that were on your latest charity single, has not confirmed or denied working with you.

Considering the fact that you haven't made a good album since the 80s and that big "What More Can I Give" single isn't widely available anywhere but YouTube, I don't blame him.

UPDATE: I hate you, random prankster gossiper.

Penny Woods

(Pics: michaeljackson.com, MS Special)

Re: People that hate my blog and are mature enough to tell me "it sucks"

I've said it before, and know I'll get it again, but I had to after some moron left a comment that I didn't publish on my blog. (It's not the Reese the Law Girl thing. For that, I still apologize.)

Dear Anonymous Twit, Infamous Person of the Day,

If you hate my blog so much, why did you leave a message saying "everyone in the world" hates my blog (other than the fact that I'm guessing you're about 13 years old and barely able to surf the Internets by your lonesomes)?

I've got quite a few fans, you know. (Check some previous comments.) You don't speak for the world. When you become the world's spokesperson, let me know, okay? Scan some document on a scanner and have every prime minister and president sign it and then let me see it. Then I'll believe my blog "sucks."

You don't like my blog and you don't have any constructive criticism other than "OMG, you suck?" Go away. Nobody asked you to be here.

At least I didn't say "Hey, world, I invite you to come to my blog and say 'OMG, it sucks!'"


That other anonymous person that runs this blog and apparently sucks, according to you

(Pic: MS Special)

Re: Hanging out with yet another lame white rap musician. Oh, boy

Dear Game,



Last February, I reported you were hanging out with the next big thing in rap, Kevin Federline.

Jenny just put a picture up of you hanging out with Joel Madden from Good Charlotte.

(Their backstory according to Wikipedia.)

(My least favorite example of their 'emo' style of music.)

Oh, why don't you go all 'emo' on us and wear mascara and write weepy, whiny pop songs (that sound alike) already?


Penny Woods

(Pics: Wikipedia, MS Special)

Re: Your client's book

Okay, let me try to write a letter before Blogger plans an outage again.

Let's all hope.

Dear Michael Pietsch, publisher of Little, Brown and Co.,

One of your clients, Kaavya Viswanathan, is accused of plagiarizing two of Megan McCafferty's novels, Sloppy Firsts and Second Helpings, in her novel How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got a Life.

Instead of realizing that your client has the potential to be the next James Frey (and is ruining the trade of writing for anyone that dreams of writing a novel, including me), you said

"I can't believe that these [similarities] are anything but unintentional..."

The Harvard Crimson put a whole list up of similarities and you still think that Viswanathan unintentionally plagarized her novel in certain places?

One question: Why are you an editor again?

Penny Woods

(Pic: MS Special)

Re: Your new album

Dear Sean Combs, since you have no idea whether you want to be called Puff Daddy, Puffy, P. Diddy, Diddy or Mr. Obnoxious,


I really have no idea what you're proposing for your new (and allegedly last) album, but I'm guessing it's going to have samples that will upset purists of rap and rock music yet again and sadly will remind America of last year's VMAs when you hosted.

"I'm taking from what I've learned from dance music, electro-clash, techno, hip-hop, soul and pop, and kind of fusing it together...It's still going to have that gangsta vibe to it, but it's a musical journey. It's going to feel good...We are going to bring a lot of high fashion, a lot of energy, a lot of sex, a lot of drugs, spirituality, good times...We're going to have something for the kids, but it's really an adult thing. It's definitely pornographic, orgasmic, gangsta, to the point where your soul feels good. It's like a spiritual revolution. It's like being sanctified." And if that sounds like an odd combo, Diddy sums it up as "Little Richard-style for the ladies."

In other words, you have no idea where your new album is headed except to hell.

Sounds good. I'll forget to buy it.


Penny Woods

(Pics: BBC News, MS Special)

Re: Your feud with Romeo and Master P

Dear, er, um, Bow Wow,


Once again you can't keep your mouth closed.

You're trying to diss Romeo and Master P because you're an idiot.

I resent using "idiot." In your case, it's a complement.

"I can't understand all this, but I guess that's how it is when you ain't getting no attention," Bow Wow told AllHipHop.com. "You can hear me on the radio all day, every day. You [Lil' Romeo] can't sell no records, and your daddy is on Dancing With the Stars."

Um, Junior? Your last record sold 119,769 in its first week. I can name 10 artists that sold more than you did in the first week last year, rap or otherwise.

And I don't hear your shit on the radio everyday, let alone BET or MTV.

And this, other than being a terrible music video, is a plea for "attention?" Oh, please!

"The crazy part is the line that got them all bent outta shape was an old LL line ("The Do Wop" from LL Cool J's 1987 album Bigger and Deffer). That shows how much they know about Hip-Hop."

Well, Junior, not exactly. LL (when LL put out decent records) said "And I'm only 18 makin' more than your pops." You said "18 nigga makin' more than yo dad, see?" If you're tryin' to claim that you're biting someone, make sure you're biting them right, fool.

"If Romeo wanna make some real money, come sign with me...Then, he wouldn't have to pull these stunts 'cause there ain't No Limit over here."

Moron, who died and made you Jermaine Dupri?

Please, please shut the fuck up. You're about thisclose to working at an Ohio area McDonalds. Hell, after Beware of Dog you should have been preparing to work at McDonalds. You'd better prepare to either cook fries in the back, take cash at the register or sweep the PlayPlace area soon, because one day your female fans are not going to buy your records anymore, and I'm not buying any of your records to help you out.


Penny Woods

(Pics: lilbowwow.com, MS Special)

Re: Celebrity Cooking Showdown

Dear NBC, my latest entity-turned famous person,


After successful rating shares against (ick) American Idol, you've cancelled Celebrity Cooking Showdown.


I mean, honestly, a show where judges would favor Ashley Parker Angel over Patti LaBelle in cooking had little chances of survival.

Some pathetic former O-Town star who's only big on MTV because of his TV show and his rip-off of the Foo Fighters (and has no cooking experience to boot except for working with Wolfgang Puck) wins in a cooking competition over a woman that has published cookbooks and has her own show (where she so happens to cook on occasion) on TV One?

Your judges must spend their days in restaurants not watching any TV at all, let alone anything oriented to African-Americans.

Oh, wait...


and Gael (the female judge), you might not want to not buy your hats directly from the funeral parlor. Thank you.


Penny Woods

(Pics: NBC, Defamer, MS Special)

(Tip: Best Week Ever Blog and Defamer)

Re: "The Zoo"

Dear Robert Kelly,

It's bad enough that you're doing appearances and making records left and right when you haven't exactly proved that you're not a child molester.

Recently you did a concert in Madison Square Garden where you unveiled the song "The Zoo."

Thematically, it sounds like "Ignition," "You Remind Me of Something" and any other song that you've done concerning sex and household objects.

Here are my suggestions for future songs you can do when you don't actually want to make a song that's overreliant on turning household objects into sexual metaphors. Take it or leave it.

• "Lightbulb"
• "Dipstick"
• "Lock and Key"
• "Hole in One"
• "Blow-Up Doll"
• "I Thought You Were Married/Why Aren't You Thinking About Your Kids?"
• "And Your Wife To Boot"
  

Penny Woods

(Pics: MTV.com, MS Special)

Re: Photoshop

And now, a quick letter before Blogger fixes things for 45 minutes. Again.

Dear Pepsi (and unfortunate companion Wrap),

This has to be the worst photoshop job ever

to promote Mariah's latest venture in selling out in the United States.

(I still love ya, girl, and I have ideas about why you are selling out, but I don't like selling out at all. It's just that when I think of "selling out," I think of broke rappers and kiss-asses. But that's just me.)

Penny Woods

(Pics: Pepsi World, Mariah Daily, MS Special)

Re: You're an idiot

Master P,



You've already embarrassed Black America enough with every forgettable album and cheap Bernard Gouley video from The New No Limit.

You didn't even try to dance on Dancing with the Stars, using sympathy to attempt to stay on the show. If you won I would have wrecked a limosuine.

You really don't know anything about who your son allegedly is feuding with. The Bow Wow/Ron Isley feud was a rumor.

If you ever have Bow Wow and Romeo (or whatever their names are now) fight in a boxing match to prove their masculinity, let me be the first person in America to deprive you of your manhood.
That is, I'll kick you in the balls and send a tape of it to some show like America's Funniest Home Videos.



Penny Woods

(Pics: ESPN, MS Special)

Re: Negro Please

Dear Jamie Foxx,


You claim that you want to be R&B's savior.

You don't know that it's true, but you want to be R&B's savior.

"I'd like to say I'm R&B's savior. Whether that's the truth or not, I'm definitely going out there with my mic and my shield to declare, 'I am here to save R&B.' I will have the people saying, 'Sire, there is a man at the musical gates saying he is here to save R&B.'"

And when you get to those musical gates, I hope every singer and singing group you named-dropped in "Slow Jamz" and this article (yes, even a drug-free Mary J. Blige) beats you down with whatever weaponry they have at your imaginary musical gates.


Penny Woods

(Pics: The Guardian, MS Special)

Re: You're embarrassing yourself

I thought yesterday was bad, Bobbi.

Today is even worse.



All these great women that surrounded your mother--Cissy Houston, Dione Warwick, Aretha Franklin--and you pick some random video ho (don't attempt to describe her to me) to be your idol. It brings a tear to my eye.

And you know (well at least America knows) I hate Media Take Out with a passion.

You're lucky I held over this picture from yesterday. God knows what type of damage I could have done with this one.

Penny Woods

(Tip: DListed)

Re: Your rap career

Kevin Federline,




Of all the people you could possibly blame, you're blaming the media for your decision to rap.

"I don’t have a choice. It’s not like I can go and do construction, start building houses in Malibu," K-Fed told Spin magazine. "They [The media] are forcing me to do this, and I am glad they are. I am more than happy to do it."

I thought your wife put her fat foot in your ass and told you to get a job so you could pay your own damn child support.

And I don't think by "job" she meant "already ridiculed rap career that will most likely flop."

No, you're not like other emcees that have a love of poetry, music and the art of rhyming itself (among other things not as petty as your excuse of attempting to be a rapper). You want to rap because the media is making fun of you for not bathing and mooching off of your wife's money while she sits at home gaining even more weight and taking care of your baby.

Instead of improving your image towards the media, you're providing them with more fuel to make fun of you with. More power to you, Federline.

I'll see you in the unemployement line looking for construction jobs in Malibu while I'm going to Starbucks one day! Can't wait!

Penny Woods

(Pics: Just Jared, MS Special)

Re: Um...

Bobbi Kristina,

I know it's been hard on your family for the past couple of weeks due to Tina Brown, if she really does exist.

I know you're in middle school and I bet that you're one of the most popular people at school. Good for you.

I think you think you look "cool" by looking like this.


And I bet your friends would agree, if only because they're afraid of being individuals and ostracized by the other cool people.

I don't want to say this, since you're the youngest person since Lohan to recieve a diss from me, but you're one step away from being in the "Tip Drill" video. That's all I say about this picture.

I suggest you'd better start making excuses on why you look stupid now, because if your unborn children don't already have questions, then the members of your family not named Whitney and Bobby have some now.

And maybe Bobby and Whitney have some questions, but I think they're centered around "What the hell?" Just maybe.


Penny Woods

(Pics: crunk and disorderly, MS Special)

Re: Brooke

Dearest Mary,



Saw that "Enough Cryin'" video today. It's not my favorite song off The Breakthrough, but it's a nice song, a good choice for a second single.

I actually watched the video because it wasn't 100% weird letterbox picture-in-picture stuff. Hype cut back that weird letterbox picture-in-picture stuff from this video by 15%. I'm impressed.

What I'm not impressed with, however, is Brooke.

I'm aware of your history as a rapper. I owned What's the 411 and I thought you did an okay job with the rapping on that album.

Recently with The Breakthrough, you returned to rapping. That's fine.

But now you're rapping under the alter ego Brooke (or so I assume).

This boggles my mind, because, you know, Brooke didn't exist when you started rapping, and now you want to rap as someone else...why? So you can seperate Mary the singer from Brooke the rapper? Just thinking about it is slowly making my brain split apart!

I mean, it's you rapping, right? And you write the lyrics for your raps, right? But you're not performing them, Brooke is performing them. It's like you want to be Jay-Z and a young Foxy Brown at the same time, except you're one person, and they're two...

Brain-is-splitting-must-stop-letter-with-Penny-Woods


but-the-picture-credits-are-from-mjblige.com-and-
MS-Special

and-the-horrid-formatting-is-from-Picasa-

Re: Your Vibe interview (in part)

Dear Ne-Yo,


Damn. I almost thought you were 50 for a minute.

Fresh linked to an article that has you saying in Vibe that you're


and



and porn.

I don't know what that would actually create (other than you), but I'm pretty sure that it would be slimer than even Nickelodeon slime and it wouldn't be singing "So Sick."

In addition, you say that you slept with every girl in your 11th grade class and you "help yourself" (link NSFW) nowadays as opposed to fucking a groupie.

Well, there goes people actually believing what you sung on "So Sick"--the girl in the song dumped you because you weren't helping yourself and you were fucking a groupie, so you had to find solace in somewhat ripping off "We Belong Together" because you knew that Mariah didn't get down with groupies because she doesn't have groupies, she has Mark Sudack. Voila, clean cut image...until now! Brilliant!

You're well on your way to becoming this man


and making terrible, forgettable records like these after you get over your addiction.




That is, if you have a future after "So Sick" is off the radio and 106 and Trash Park.

Congratulations!


Penny Woods

(Pics: AOL BlackVoices, The Catacomb (RIP), Wikipedia, Def Jam Records, Amazon.com, MS Special)