Re: Your Halloween outfit. Because you're, like, so important

Paris,

Every year on Franklin Street girls spend money going to sites like BuyCostumes.com to purchase the most sluttiest "sexiest" costumes known to mankind. The "sexy"Mad Hatter. The "sexy" FBI agent. The "sexy" stereotypical white trash wife. And you know what, Paris: It's all been done before.

Just like this "sexy" policewoman.

I hope you didn't pay over $100 for the outfit, because it looks like you can buy the whole outfit for one dollar per item at the Dollar Tree.

I know you're not known for originality, but if you must impress the paparazzi, I suggest you wear what your boyfriend's wearing.


A hippie priest/flasher? Now that's a great idea for a Halloween costume!


Penny Woods

(To X17: I'm not that guy with that ugly pink blog, and yes, I took the photos via ONTD, but I'll take them down if you want me to because, well, I'm not that guy with that ugly pink blog.)

Re: That baggie in your purse

Paris, honey,

Your publicist is really grasping for straws, isn't he?

He's claiming that this is not, in any shape or form, pot.

[H]er publicist Elliot Mintz insisted: "Things are not always as they appear. It would be unfair to draw any conclusions based solely on these photos."

I don't know about your publicist, but anyone who dresses like this


has to be Edina Monsoon or on pot. And last time I checked, your real name was not Jennifer Saunders.


Penny Woods

(Pics: A Socialite's Life, The Superficial, MS Special)

Re: Getting tossed out of clubs

Oh, poor Paris.


You can't get into certain clubs and parties over and over recently. In addition, that crazy millionare Richard Branson set you up at his son's party recently by dressing his waitresses up like you.

Let me guess. Along with that drunk driving arrest, I assume you've gotten a notice that you're not a socialite anymore and you're working too hard to try maintain that status, right?

I mean, what's wrong with being cut out of the Hilton fortune and working at In-N-Out?


Penny Woods

(Pics: Cele|bitchy, MS Special)

Re: Your drunk driving arrest

Paris, honey,



When I saw this all over the gossip blogs, I wasn't shocked that you were arrested for having "one" (laughing) margarita while attempting to go to In-N-Out.

I was shocked that

1. you knew how to drive, and
2. you knew what an In-N-Out is.

Penny Woods


(Written with the help of ONTD! and Best Week Ever)

Re: And speaking of Allmans...

Dear Elijah Blue Allman,

According to the Scoop, last week you went on this guy's show


and said you had sex with this, um, person


and then said you cleaned your penis with something like this.



Please tell me you're kidding.

I mean, you know you can get a serious burning sensation from putting Tilex on your penis because you think you might be getting a burning sensation from sleeping with Paris, right?


Penny Woods

Found at Best Week Ever

(Pics: Wikipedia, The Scoop @ MSNBC.com, Tilex.com)

Re: Your Sidekick photos

Dear Ne-Yo,


You've heard of this woman's Sidekick being hacked, right?

Well, what about this guy's Sidekick allegedly being hacked?


You'd think you would have known, after these Sidekick scandals, to avoid having pictures and information taken off your Sidekick (let alone take stupid private pictures on it). Then again, I think pussy offten occupies your mind, so it's no wonder you didn't think of not taking pictures of yourself getting head on a cell phone.

Someone (a rightfully pissed off female dancer of yours) took these wonderful pictures of you getting head from one of your dancers off your Sidekick. (Links within link may be NSFW.)

Well, we don't exactly know if it's you yet. It could be a male impersonator with a dildo. Quick, pull an R. Kelly and deny that you're in the pictures!

Regardless of these photos, I have already established that you have a problem.

Seriously, you need to start a club for people like you.

You know what you should call it?

The LL Cool J Memorial Club for Anonymous Male SuperHos.

You know who you should get as your president: Michael Knight. I bet he'll know how to save male superhos like you.

Yours,


Penny Woods

(Pics: Amazon.com, Wikipedia, MS Special)