Dear Brandon Davis,
The most viral gossip blog ever invented, TMZ.com, reports that you went to dinner with Linday Lohan recently.
Aww, how sweet. You've apparently been forgiven for those stupid "Firecrotch" comments and what you said about Lindsay being broke with seven million in the bank.
Oh, wait! It's been recently revealed that a check you gave to the guy who created the Girls Gone Wild video series bounced! And you also owe money to some guy that smokes a shitload of weed and the Palms casino! No wonder your folks are doing everything they can to get free money now.
I feel bad about your hair. You can't pay for the grease that keeps your hair nasty and black.
I've got an idea! Instead of your family and you begging people that actually work for their money for money, why don't you do something with your life and work for Soft-Sheen Carson? I'm pretty sure that one canister of Sportin' Waves can sustain your nasty-ass hair for six months.
(Pics: DListed, Ms. Special)