Dear Lindsay Lohan,
Oh, my. Did the spray tanner machine act up while you were prepping for, of all things, a show on Nickelodeon?
You needed to tan for Nickelodeon?
What's next, there's going to be a children's version of Project Runway on the network?
Anyway, I was just perusing new blogs for me to get to use, preferably one that publishes stuff on the weekends, and I happened to come across The Superficial (a blog I never liked in the first place, and I still don't like the blog, so why did I want to subscribe to it through Rojo? Never mind).
One of the posts there intrigued me--me being the big Mariah Carey fan I am. Whoever runs that blog put up some old pictures of Mariah Carey getting in a limosuine (NSFW) and then commented on her cooter. Very clever.
If they worked on the weekends, they'd be jumping all over your ass. Literally.
I had to remark on your exposed buttocks at the Kids Choice Awards last night (both NSFW) Thankfully I didn't see your buttocks. Thanks to UNC's chapter of Alpha Phi Alpha, I was away watching Greek fraternities step instead of your booty.
I wasn't traumatized when I heard the news.
But think of the people who were traumaized!
Instead of Mean Girls and every bad Disney film you've ever starred in, those children (as well as others) will always remember your ass!
Okay, okay maybe they'll remember your problems with your father. And maybe, just maybe, Tommy Mottola. But they'll always remember your ass. Trust me on this one.
(Pics: IDontLikeYouInThatWay, Wikimedia Commons, MS Special)