Dear US Weekly,
I love your publication. A friend of mine gave me one of your magazines one day, and I liked the little articles you put about single people on Valentines and your Grammy odds (although y'all were like, seriously off). However, I resent this article being published within your pages.
Look, I'm trying to lose weight myself although people are going to look at me and say "You need to lose weight? You're skinny already." And I want to lose weight. In fact, I want to lose as much as Mimi has lost. You would think that I would be inspired by Mimi's weight loss, since Mariah is literally my non-sports binkie. I'm not. I was devastated when I saw her in St. Barths.
In fact, I want to start eating cheese sticks and cheese pizzas (I don't eat red meat) and blow up to the November 2005 example--I will post, to close this letter, the photo that first appeared in Para Todos to prove my point. (Para Todos is convinced that Mariah is Venezuelan although she's never lived there in her life [and before you get on me, yes, I know her family history and yes, I know technically she's part Venezuelan, making her part Latina, but, you know, Para Todos acts like she actually lived in Venezuela].)
Shoot, I may as well become Janet Jackson,
(Pics: US Weekly, ButterflyMCWorld (Janel, and yes, I saw the article there first), Mariah Daily, MS Special)
(PS: Check the March archives if you haven't for responses for the "You're Fierce" letter.)