Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Re: Paris

Congratulations, Paris!

Your album's getting rave reviews from critics around the world!

Well, except at All Music Guide. They're comparing you to, er, um, "Baby Jane."

This must mean that when Christina grows up, she'll be an old alcoholic abusing her brothers and sisters to get a bottle of Grey Goose. I can't wait for that to pop up in the tabloids!

Don't be too disheartened, Paris. You may be delusional, but until you get a husband and talk about his big cock on record, you can never be on Baby Jane's level, let alone people less talented than Baby Jane. You know, like Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston before Just Whitney and maybe My Love Is Your Love.

Here's what I suggest you should do for your next record. Record it in an imaginary studio with imaginary microphones and recording devices. Press the album in imaginary factories, and ta-da! You'll have an album that will recieve rave reviews all over the world...except for that guy with that ugly pink blog. He'll hate it because he can't kiss your ass over how wonderful it is (and bite my style while he's doing it).

Not really yours,

Penny Woods

(Pics: A Socialite's Life, Rolling Stone)

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