Re: Your split

Dear Kimora Lee Simmons,

The world is abuzz with your breakup.

You did it to yourself when you were photographed with Mariah at the Soul Train Awards this year looking like this

and bloggers jumped at how ridiculous you looked with Mariah.

I think Russell and the Soul Train Music Awards thought that you looked like you were cheating on Russell, because the former dumped you while the latter refused to show the air-kiss on their broadcast, cutting to the air kiss she gave to your co-presenter and Mariah saying, "Kimora, you are too tall for this!"

All because you botched the sacred Mariah Carey air-kiss.

And for the kiss as well as that terrible book


Mariah Carey put some type of curse on your relationship to make it fall apart.

You know the irony of this? The same thing happened when this woman released this book

with her (ex-)husband.

Except she didn't get a curse on her head from Mariah Carey.

Mariah's good at curses, isn't she?

Penny Woods

(Pics: Mariah Daily, Barnes & Noble, Overstock.com, MS Special)

Re: Your album

Dear Paris Hilton,


You want to work with Three 6 Mafia for your album.

You're an heiress of the Hilton estate, you model, you have a ferret, Bambi, Tinkerbell and some other dogs you just bought from Japan, you have a show which seems like it will never end (especially since it's now rerun on E! all the time), and now you want a pimp cup because "It's Hard Out [There] For A Pimp."

Okay, you didn't actually say that, but I bet that's what you're thinking. I know, becoming a pimp's hot, right?

The last time I checked you were not a pimp.

If it makes you feel better, I will make you a pimp.

Look, take my pimp cup.


There. Now you won't have to work in the studio claiming that you're gonna "Stay Fly" and that you're "Poppin' [Your] Collar."

Cheap puns, I know. But I bet that's what you're thinking, Paris.


Penny Woods

(Pics: crunk and disorderly, Iced Out Gear, MS Special)

Re: Yet another shout-out

Dear America,


The special Britney Spears-filled episode of Will and Grace has ended and I'm trying to get the vomit taste out of my mouth.


I'm guessing whoever cast her thought that Crossroads was supposed to be funny instead of unintentionally tragic.

No, not because of the ending, which is not that tragic, but because Britney Spears and her co-stars thought they could act--a complete travesty.

It is now time to bring back the "notes" again...


and thank Rich at fourfour for putting me on his blogroll.

And I welcome anyone visiting me from fourfour or Concrete Loop, or crunk and disorderly.

I'm off to pose with Quincy Jones now (or so I wish).


Peace!


Penny Woods

(Pics: The Open Clip Art Gallery, Just Jared, Mariah Daily, and, as usual, MS Special)

Re: That woman you smacked down

Dear Naomi Campbell,


You've beat up yet another defenseless woman with a blunt object. Good for you.

I know what it was. It was that interview with this woman, now, wasn't it?

You know, instead of beating up some 41-year-old nobody, do the right thing.

Go on the Tyra Banks Show and bitchslap the shit out of her for that interview.

I'll write to the LA police to make sure you don't get arrested.


Penny Woods

(Pics: DListed, ONTD, MS Special)

Re: "Chuckie Finster"

Dear America,

Yes, I know.

The male model was like "You're not alluring. You look scared and clueless. Tyra needs to kick you off."

And lo and behold, Tyra made the right decision--kicking clueless, no confidence, Chuckie Finster-esque Gina off.

Okay, he didn't actually say that, but I know I would've if I was him.

I tended to side with Jade only because no one in the house (let alone Gina) said, "Ignore Jade and then she'll leave you alone." (That and the fact that Jade as well as Furonda make the show for me. The other girls do not even stand out in my mind except for Nnenna--I think she should win, that's all. Honestly, I do not see the appeal of Mollie Sue. I don't.)

I believe Jade said she looked hot in this picture only because she had hair.

Nope, she's like the blond version of Janet Jackson the stripper.

Penny Woods

(Pics: The Open Clip Art Gallery, ONTD, MS Special)

Re: Your gaydar

Dear Trevor Smith, better known as Busta Rhymes,

It's bad enough that I have to endure that horrible whisper-rap-then-YELL-RAP!-Daft Punk-jackin' "Touch It" and its remix.

Yes, you dedicated the remix video to Israel "Izzy" Ramirez. Although you could have done more and cooperated with the police surrounding his death, that was a nice tribute (unfortunately, to a terrible song).



Recently you were in Miami and you just happened to freak out at the sight of a gay man, even cursing their existance.

Thing is, didn't you know you were in the vicinity of a gay club?

Has the yelling in "Touch It" seriously dulled your gaydar or something? If I was homophobic (which I am not), I would have sensed the presence of gay men inside the diner and ran out the door.

Since you went into the diner not sensing the presence of gay men, you should have been man enough to give your gay fan an autograph or a photo--at least some sort of memento. Knowing gay men does not mean you'll become gay (or have a gay encounter--I bet that's what you were thinking when you freaked out! For a rapper, you really have some small blue balls).

Penny Woods

(Pics: Page Six, MS Special)

Re: This

Dearest Whitney,

I first heard over at Gawker, but this morning, they didn't have the pictures up.

I'm putting up the pictures they got from the National Examiner (The other sites I frequent had the other two pictures, but not the cover).

I mean, there's no concrete proof that you own this mess above and we can't tell if this "Tina" that claims she knows you is lying.

If it's true, you need help.

If not, schedule a press conference on BET soon, because this will make everyone who thinks that you're doing it believe it even more so.

Penny Woods

(Pics: Gawker, MS Special)

Re: Your "manly" interview on Howard Stern's show

Dear Fez,


Yes, I know that's not your real name. But damn it, this is my blog and I can use whatever name I want, so there.

A song was written for you once.

Okay, it wasn't explictly written for you, but it describes you after what CityRag posted earlier this morning.

You may have heard of it. It's a little ditty that was performed by one Chris Bridges, also known as Ludacris (or, back in the day, Chris Luva Luva) and it's called..."Ho."

I'm sure Howard loved your manly display of bravado on his show, but he will never call you a ho on his show. So I'm calling you out.

Youza hoooooo.

There. I said it. Now take it like a man.

I said that youza hoooooo (ho!),


Penny Woods

(Pics: That '70s Central, MS Special)

(Tip: Gawker, also seen at DListed)

Re: Why?

Dear Hollywood,


All these talented people out there, and you had to give these women a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame?


They've only been professionally recording since, what? Seven, eight, nine years? You couldn't find anyone more established for a star except these money-hungry hacks?

At this rate, you may as well give Aly and AJ their damn Hollywood star already. I'm sure Disney will pay for it.

Honestly, Michelle's voice is enough to make the other stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame get up and relocate to the San Fernando Valley.

What about those other 10,000 members they booted out of Destiny's Child? Do they get stars too?

And if they have broken up (which they have not, because they need Knowles money), why don't they stay broken up?

Oh, I give up.


Penny Woods

(Pics: Hollywood Chamber of Commerce, DListed, MS Special)

Re: Can't Stop the Stupid

Dear Victor Willis (the cop of the Village People),

It seems like it came out of a movie, doesn't it?

A fake cop and gay icon is arrested for coke and drug possesion.

I can't even know what to say, man. I applaud your stupidity.

Penny Woods

(Pic: BBC News, MS Special)

(Tip: Oh No They Didn't)

Re: Her anniversary, dahling. And Fergie

Dear America,


I was going to write this post with a sappy five-minute career rundown about a certain person on this site that's featured right before my blogroll.

For the sake of America I will let that masterpiece fester in hell.

Instead I'm going to put up two baby pictures of this person--



then put up a more recent picture of her--


and tell her "Happy 16th Anniversary," although it's actually her 36th birthday, because she doesn't celebrate birthdays anymore, she has anniversaries. (And each anniversary must be more festive than the last!)

To close, I will put up a picture of Fergie peeing her pants


and tell her, Happy birthday to you too--you're getting those Huggies training pants this year


because you're too young for Depends but too old for what you really need--Huggies Newborn diapers.


And I will say that yes that joke is old, but it never ceases to be amusing.

Hopefully I'll remember to do that today.



Penny Woods

(Pics: The Open Art Gallery, DivaMC, my own screencapture of the 2006 TRL Awards [via Mariah Daily], Defamer, Amazon.com)

Re: "Kryptonite"

Dear Jim Larranaga (head coach of the George Mason Patriots,

This has been bothering me all night.

I mean, no one's condemned your lack of rap knowledge.

...I think the best part is that Larranaga was actually familiar with this song. He knows what's hot on the streets.

Seriously, do you even know what "Kryptonite" is about?

It sure is hell ain't about Superman.

Okay, okay, so I'm a little bitter. But the UNC women might just win it all, which will be just as sweet.

The issue at hand is that you only know a rap song because of a Superman reference.

I'm stunned that you don't know that 3 Doors Down song of the same name. You know, with that song and a few others, you could have had your "I'm Lex Luthor and you are my minions" mini-mix going on by downloading all the songs from the iTunes music store with the word "kryptonite" in them. You would have made everyone shaved their head* and wear business suits instead of warm-up suits before games. And then at halftime you would have thrown chunks of painted green rocks you found outside the arena you were playing at and thrown them into the opposing team's locker room, hoping that the "kryptonite" would weaken them.

Oh, shit, I just said too much. I'll stop now before Deadspin embarrasses you again.

*Yes, I remember the 2003-2004 post-season at UNC when everyone on the team went bald, so don't ask.


Penny Woods

(Pics: GoMason.com, MS Special)

Re: Not again!

Dear Coolio,


Listen, I already got on Ja Rule for being on a cooking show.

Now I gotta get on you, too?

This won't be your average cooking show - it'll be Coolio with food. I'll be cooking, talking, rapping, dancing and singing. There will be a four-piece band, a DJ, and strippers - all in the kitchen. I'm going to change the way they do cooking shows....I love to cook, and I'm pretty damn good at it. My enchiladas cannot be beat, my fried chicken in on top, my spaghetti will kick your spaghetti's ass, and I can put every Chinese food restaurant out of business with my egg rolls.

Sounds like something The Man Show would have done in their prime. Except it won't be intentionally funny.

Good Bad luck,

Penny Woods

(Pics: Coolio.com, MS Special)

Re: This is the end, my only fiend, the end...

Dear Ja Rule,

I guess we can say goodbye to your career after this show comes out.

All you're doing is waiting for The INC. to get back on its feet.

If I was you (or even Ashanti), if I loved my rapping career so much, I would have left The INC. and went somewhere else.

At least I could tour with new material and get some money that way instead of hawking lotion and fragrance.

Or, of course, what you want to embark on.

Penny Woods

(Pics: AskMen.com, MS Special)

Re: "Say Somethin'" (yet again)

Dear Mariah Daily,

Gossip has become so slow today that I've just given up today and decided to write to (in)famous websites.

Sometimes I go to Absolute TRL and read what the (force fed on MTV) youth of America are voting for on TRL just so I can keep up with their videos...and make fun of how bad they are. It's a guilty pleasure.

So imagine my surprise when I saw that they had the scoop that Mariah was going to be premiering "Say Somethin'" on Tuesday (after her birthday anniversary) first...and your latest update was about Paul Wall wanting to make Mariah a grill. (Eww.)

I don't want to say y'all are slackin' off a bit...I mean, y'all don't always keep in touch with everything Mariah does, and it's okay. I just thought y'all liked TRL more than I did, that's all.

And no, I don't want to send this to you because I feel you will not answer it (see submission rules on front page).

Yours,


Penny Woods

(Pics: Mariah Daily, MS Special)

Re: Her birthday

Dear Rob and Jordan,
Today is Star Jones-Reynolds' birthday.

Nothing special about that at all.

I'm just surprised y'all haven't jumped all over it yet.
Penny Woods

(Pics: The PEN15 Club, MS Special)