Re: "Say Something"

Dearest Mimi,


Mariah Daily now reports that the fifth single will be "Say Something."

Okay, so I like "Say Something" a bit more than "Fly Like A Bird." Not like there's anything wrong with "Fly Like A Bird," but I like "Say Something" better.

However, neither one of those songs is "So Lonely."

Mimi, you've got the power. How about getting your people together and finding out what your next single will be? Lord knows you can crush about half of them with your powerful biceps, but by the grace of your God, you wouldn't do it.

Call me if you don't listen to your God for once and you start crushing the people in your camp! I want to take pictures!

Forgive my bloodthirstiness, heroine of mine,

Penny Woods

(Pics: Mariah Daily, MS Special)

Re: "Forbidden Love"

Dear, er, um, Madge,


I'm not a big fan of yours, okay, but I like the majority of your output (until American Life, amazingly enough).

Last year I heard your duet with your new god producer Stuart Price called "Forbidden Love." All I can remember is his part in that song and "Forbidden love" in the chorus.

Recently I made good on my promise to buy Bedtime Stories.

Guess what, Madge?

You have a song called "Forbidden Love" on Bedtime Stories!

And guess what, Madge?

Come on, Madge, guess, guess, guess!

The "Forbidden Love" on Bedtime Stories is better than the "Forbidden Love" on Confessions on a Dance Floor!

Madge, how could you forget such a thing?

The next time you work with a producer, maybe it's best to look at your back catalogue. And remind yourself of what song titles you have used in the past. That way you won't confuse your fans that, if you told them, would not believe Madonna is the name of one of your albums. (They know who they are.)


Penny Woods

(Pics: all about Madonna, MS Special)

Re: Cameron Crazies

Dear ESPN,
Okay. So you're not famous people, but you are a famous channel. Today you get the honor of being a single famous person. Yay for you.

At the risk of showing my bias in sports, I will proceed to tell you why your trip to Durham for College GameDay will be in vain.


So I'm eating dinner, ESPN. I'm watching your crappy Around the Horn show and wondering why the hell smug-ass Jay Mariotti is still on the show when you advertise the UNC/Duke game on ESPN, and I'm like, "Awesome! The Game is going to be on ESPN instead of CBS this year! I can't believe it!"

Then all of a sudden you mention you're introducing a "Cameron Crazy Cam," whatever the hell that is.

ESPN, I really think that you're a bit deluded on thinking that the Cameron Crazies are the "country's best sixth man" only because they don't want to waste money attempting to make their stadium bigger to accommodate more fans, let alone students. (They're increasing tuition soon at Duke. They can really afford a new stadium, but they like that unbearably hot stadium so much, they'll keep it until people can't safely walk around in it.) Hell, everything but the vanity trophies and plaques and whatnot all over Cameron and the bathrooms need to be made over. You have to go to the concession stands one day, ESPN, and see what kind of hell-hole Cameron really is. Either there or the horribly-carved, broken and unsturdy student bleacher section. ESPN, the best seats in the house at Cameron are actually anywhere but Cameron.

And ESPN, you should see the Crazies. I just went over there for the women's basketball game, and, like every other women's game, there were less student fans Crazies there as opposed to a men's game. But their stadium behavior struck me as...zombieish. It was like looking at all the rejects from the "Thriller" video attempt to watch a basketball game. As usual, the Crazies typed up their stupid cheer sheet for the game (and the freshmen, I presume). I guess they put at the top of the sheet in bold caps DO NOT LET THIS SHEET GET IN THE HANDS OF THE MEDIA OR WE WILL BE RIDICULED BY EVERYONE EXCEPT DICK VITALE, and I guess they put this sample cheer on the sheet:

Whenever the Tar Holes start chanting "Let's Go Tar Holes" and we're in the lead, point to the scoreboard and say "Scoreboard, scoreboard," etc.

Lo and behold, those Cameron Crazies did that for the women's game around halftime.

Lo and behold, the Duke women's basketball team have now lost five in a row to my Tar Heels.

The Crazies' material is so fresh, ESPN! Maybe you can give the Crazies a new nickname. How about the Cameron Cornies! Now that's a name that describes the Crazies perfectly.

ESPN, do you think their game attire is "clever?" Ooh, the opposing team is scared by some morons that are dressed up like Ronald McDonald (for a Georgia Tech game last year) or the characters from The Wizard of Oz (the UNC men's game three years ago) or the Blues Brothers after our band skit (the UNC men's game last year) instead of dressing up in their school colors! Please! It is not that hard to dress up in Duke blue and white to support your school.

Okay, okay, so I was at the UNC home game this year where some wackos dressed up in Hawaiian shirts and life preservers for Miami. Other than than, most everyone that gets in the risers at UNC men's games wears Carolina blue and white.

At this year's women's game, I saw some of the lamest signs, shirts and makeup jobs known to mankind. Two girls with signs: "Our women's team/Can defeat your men's team." (N.B.: No one cares about men's basketball at a women's basketball game.) A girl with a shirt reading "I'm with the cheerleaders" with a makeup job inspired by The Ultimate Warrior.


(Okay, I've had some lame makeup jobs on my face, too. I should let that go. But the Ultimate Warrior is a crazy motherfucker.) A guy with a shirt: "Not our rivals" (no comment--it would be too lengthy to print, and this post is already too long).

The cheers were also lousy as well: The band has invented a drum beat for the cheer "Go to hell, Carolina, go to hell." There was the inane cheer for the Duke alumnus known only as "Crazy Towel Guy" because he gets up and waves a towel around, yay. There was the complete lack of jumping coherence during a cheer that may or may not have been done to that song "Devil In A Blue Dress." And--this is the best part--all the students fleeing the stadium instead of staying to sing their alma mater, "Dear Old Duke" after a loss. ESPN, we can put in a bet on how many students at Duke know their alma mater!

In closing, ESPN, I know you probably won't share in my general hatred of the Cameron Crazies. They're just a bunch of hopeless students that feel their only chance of fame is to go to a Duke game; I think a handful of them are there for the team exclusively. (Granted, every sports team on any level has its share of posers, but at Duke there must be several thousand of them that are willing to act like zombies to get on TV.) You probably won't share in other people's hatred of the Crazies--inside and outside the Duke community. All I ask is that you outfit that unlucky sap (probably a frosh at Duke) that has the misfortune of being outfitted for the UNC/Duke game and capture the moments that America's been dying to see from the Crazies: attempting to hide the UNC cheer sheet from your cameras, forgetting what was on the cheer sheet, the sap screwing up everything he/she remembered from the cheer sheet, and, if Duke wins, watching the sap throw your camera in that pathetic painted bench-burning exercise they call "making bonfires."


Penny Woods

(P.S.: America, I'm sorry if I offended your sports sensibilities here--I don't mean to offend fans of Duke that don't act like the Crazies, but I felt the need to rant about the Crazies and the "great" enviroment they cheer in.)

(P.P.S.: Love, I'll be the first to send you a picture of a gay man rockin' Duke blue, best believe that.)

(Pics: ESPN, Wikipedia, MS Special)

Re: Tennessee

Dearest Jan,


I remember reading on Janet Online (or some Janet Jackson fan website--apparently, the Janet Jackson fansites don't like to keep archives the way that Mariah Daily religously does) that you were supposed to star in a movie known as Tennessee. The movie was to be produced by Lee Daniels and was supposed to be shooting in March.

Then it was reported that the movie fell through.

Apparently the movie is reshooting again, and guess who they have on board now?


Yes, Jan, you've been replaced in a movie by a woman who's been in one of the worst movies known to mankind, and no matter how many award shows she decides to accept her RSVP for The Emancipation of Mimi, that movie will still be a blemish on her career.

Okay, so she did an okay job on movies like Wisegirls and State Property 2, but come on, Jan! You've been in Poetic Justice. Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps. Both of those movies grossed more than Glitter, Jan! Hell, those movies are better than Glitter, Jan! How could you not be involved with a movie that's being produced by the guy who did Monster's Ball? Monster's Ball, Jan, Monster's Ball!

When you get to your house in LA, wherever the hell it is nowadays, I want you to sit in the corner for at least a day. The one stipulation: the only people allowed to touch you are your dogs, if you still have dogs.

You've disappointed me, Jan, but I still love ya,


Penny Woods

(Pics: Janet Online, Mariah Daily, MS Special)

(Special thanks: Miss Janet--RIP and Mariah Daily for the heads-up)

Re: "Elmo unveilled!"

Dear Oprah,


Your underlings sent me the following e-mail because I'm a member of your website community (if only because the best book in the world that you used to praise, A Million Little Pieces, used to be featured on your website--it's the only Book Club book I've ever bought! Thanks, Oprah!):

MONDAY'S SHOW: Marc Jacobs, Jimmy Choo, Barbie: Meet the
Real People Behind the Big Names

For the first time in forty-six years, the real Barbie is
revealed!  And, he rarely does interviews and is known to
be very camera shy...the red-hot designer Marc Jacobs and
the debut of his cool new creations.  Then, the surprising
face behind the Jimmy Choo empire! Plus, the voice of Elmo
unveiled!

Thing is, Oprah, Tavis Smiley and God knows how
many people knew who the voice of Elmo was
already.


And Vanity Fair just did a piece on the people
behind the "Jimmy Choo empire" last year.

What's next, a special on the making of Toll
House cookie mix?


Penny Woods

(Pics: Oprah.com, NPR, MS Special)

(Sidenote: Oprah. com likes Flash Players.  You can use the site,
but Oprah.com will tell you to download a Flash Player just to
view Oprah's upcoming shows and her shills for nothing that I
want, anyway.)  

Re: Federline

Dear Game,



Why did you do this with the rapper that makes Vanilla Ice look like Tupac?



Penny Woods

Thanks to DListed

(Pics: Wikipedia, MS Special)

Re: TRL's First Lady

Dear Kelly Clarkson,



I thought you were TRL's darling.

Sure, "We Belong Together" spent God knows how many days at number one on TRL, but I always thought that your videos were more popular...and I never knew why. "Since U Been Gone" annoys me to no end, and if anybody else did "Behind These Hazel Eyes" and "Because Of You," they would be ripped apart, claiming that the source material was poor. You even won Moonmen and Grammys over Mariah Carey.

I was shocked when Mariah Carey's devoted fanbase that will vote for Mariah Carey in any poll for no good reason TRL viewers voted Mariah Carey as their First Lady.

Kelly, you were supposed to win and make me wonder why the viewers at TRL like you! Mariah was not supposed to win! And if you won, I was going to close this post with how much you ruined my high school prom with "A Moment Like This" playing over and over until I wondered if I had decended into the seventh rung of Hell! Mariah was supposed to lose so the regulars at the Friends of Mariah Messageboard could have a meltdown thread that would make the ones at any sports messageboard shudder in fear! Mariah was not supposed to be bragging about the TRL Awards in her voice message to the fans this week (2/21/06), and Mariah Daily and the gossip mags of the world weren't supposed to show Mariah with her First Lady Award!

You blew it, Kelly! What do you have to say for yourself, you had no hand in the voting?

Oh, wait. You didn't.

Go back to American Idol! You've disappointed me enough,


Penny Woods

(P.S. America, if you care, the TRL Awards first airs at 12 noon tomorrow. Not scheduled: the dream catfight between Mariah Carey and Madonna in a tub of Jello.)

(Pics: KellyClarkson.com, Mariah Daily, MS Special)

Re: Your robots

Dear Blogger,


Your robots attacked my blog today.


They said that I was a spammer.

I don't spam. I like to credit my sources--this is not spamming, this is giving credit where credit is due. I don't come up with several of the pictures on my own, because if I did, I wouldn't be linking to their sites, you genius robots.

In retaliation I detroyed your robots with that spaceship from Space Invaders.


Then one of your human workers cleaned up the debris and allowed me to post here again.

Hopefully, America, this shit will never happen again, or I have one brand name that will scare the shit out of you, Blogger:


Thank you.

Yours,



Penny Woods

(Pics: Blogger, Gasoline Alley Antiques, SPACE INVADERS DOT COM, TypePad, MS Special)

Re: "Fuck You, You're Famous"

Dearest Jan,


I'm compelled to write a response to the "Fuck F#ck Me I'm Famous" shirt.

I'm not going to get on you with the weight. Yes, I prefer you at your size 0 best...but that's because the whole world is, by now, used to seeing you as a size 0, and if they've seen you not as a size 0, then at least certain people that saw you on Fame and Young DeBarge still think you had James DeBarge's love child...according to them you got pregnant in mid-summer '84 and had the child before the American Music Awards in '87 or something like that.

I'm not going to get on you with your choice of restaurants, namely this Italian place you went to in the Beverly Glen (wherever that is, since I've never been to the West Coast in my life, and I really don't care).

What I will say is this: The only person fucking you has to be Jermaine Dupri, so you can take that shirt off right now unless you want to fail at pulling some tricks on Sunset Boulevard.

I still love you, though!

With the upmost respect,


Penny Woods

(Pics: Just Jared, MS Special. Inspiration: crunk and disorderly. Special thanks: DListed and Concrete Loop for the picture links.)

Re: Blog Watch!

Dear America,


I will pretend I'm reading out of Mariah Carey's BlackBerry for this one.


Except I'm not going to say I wrote this and then contradict myself by saying someone wrote this post for me, because I write everything. I can't really ghostwrite myself. I'm too broke to afford a ghostwriter.

I'm a humble person, but I like to gloat at times, since I've been blogging since 2003 with 10,000 different blogs (here and at other places, such as Rotten Tomatoes), and I'm finally getting noticed. I think I'll stick with writing letters for you, America, for a while. I'm more comfortable with letter writing than being obsessed with Jasmine Guy or dissing My Own anyway.

I'm on the blogwatch at crunk and disorderly.

I'm even mentioned in a post.

Thank you, Fresh! You've saved me from reading Ben Jonson's masques. Not like there's anything wrong with Ben Jonson's masques, but I was bound to fall asleep reading them anyway.

Love,



Penny Woods

(Pics: The Open Clip Art Gallery, my own screen capture via Mariah Daily, MS Special)

Re: Wicked Wisdom

Dear Jada Pinkett Smith,
You have no clue what metal is.

Okay, maybe you do.

I'm black and I've probably heard more metal than you have.

But why are you fronting a metal band?

I've heard shitter metal bands that sound better than your voice.

The wit's on vacation, bitch, so be happy,


Penny Woods

(Pics: Concrete Loop, MS Special as usual)

Re: "Check On It"

Dear Beyonce,


Did anyone fail to tell you you're sitting in someone's labia minora?


You know, their vagina?

I'm not buying anything from the House of Dereon,


Penny Woods

P.S. I know Dereon's rolling in her grave right now at the sight of your mama and you.

(Pictures: Concrete Loop, Amazon.com, MS Special)

Re: The Olympics

America, I know we've seen this, but Dearest Whitney,


Quit the drugs/smoking cigarettes and preserve your voice.

Geez, even Mariah Carey got the point way before you even started.


Penny Woods

(Photos: MS Special, the Classic Whitney Forum)

Re: Stop. You're embarrassing the hip-hop nation

Dear John Cena (TM),


You're from a middle-class Massachusetts home. You went to college.

When you wear a shirt claiming that you've hustled and you're down, I have to draw the line.

Yes, it's a gimmick. Yes, a lot of marks don't realize it's a gimmick. Yes, you stole your gimmick from G-Unit and some other people I'm not sure of. No, you haven't admitted it. No, you can't rap, and your finishing moves suck ass. All you do is do a fireman's carry and call it a day. If you went in the hood you would be dead or addicted to something before the day's out (that is, unless you hang with the right people).


For the love of God, please give up the gimmick soon.

And, finally, I hope my Paul (read: Triple H) beats your ass good, win or lose, championship or no championship.


Penny Woods, the People's Chump

Re: "Sorry"

Dear, er, um, Madge,


I have a few questions for you:

1. I'm not comfortable calling you Madge, but I don't want to call you Madonna and I don't want to go the Vadge route, so what should I call you other than a wanna-be Brit?
2. You really don't have a good cameltoe. Can you wear stuff that covers it up more often? I mean, you're, like, five years younger than my mom (almost exactly...my mother was born five years and a day before Madonna) and my mom doesn't try to wear spandex, so why are you wearing it? Think of your children!
3. Your new video, "Sorry," scares me because of the cameltoe and the severe airbrushing in the video. May I suggest you hook up with Prince, who doesn't look as bad as you do?

Look, I still like you and all. I hate this new album you put out, but I still like you, unlike that hypocritical, hateful branch of "Lambs." I own Like A Prayer and The Immaculate Collection, and I'd love to get Bedtime Stories and hear what you did with Bjork. But can you be easy on at least my eyes, please?

With respect,


Penny Woods

P.S. I really don't believe this ad for "Sorry" radio adds. I mean, can you be more modest than this?


(Photos: my own screen capture via AOL Music, MS Special, all about Madonna)

Re: "Fly Like A Bird"

Dearest Mimi,


Mariah Daily has announced that "Fly Like A Bird" will be your latest single.

I'm hurt. I thought that you'd make "So Lonely (One And Only Part 2)" the fifth single. I had dreams of seeing "From Vandross to C-cups" in captioning, but I guess my dreams are shot to hell. Don't get me wrong; I like "Fly Like A Bird." It's just not "So Lonely."

I have qualms about "Fly Like A Bird." I know it's been somewhat of a dream of yours to be recognized as a gospel singer/songwriter, but I don't know how well this song will stack up to whatever singles are on the Billboard Charts as of now. You know, like that new Pussycat Dolls song that I hate that isn't "Stickwityou" and that new Black Eyed Peas song, the one where somehow Francis Lawrence directed that video a la Janet Jackson's "Son Of A Gun" et al and Madonna's "Sorry."

To paraphrase Rich, not everybody's going to feel Jesus.

Good luck as always,



Penny Woods

(Photos: Mariah Daily, fourfour, MS Special)

Re: Usage of Maria, Maria and Mariah

Dear America,


While we're on the subject of Mariah Carey, let me remind you of the differences between the proper names Maria, Maria and Mariah. Apparently we, the American public, still do not know the difference between these proper names.

Maria, spelled with or without an accent over the I, is a Spanish name meaning "bitter sea" (according to BabyNames.com). One acceptable usage of Maria, for example, is the proper name Maria Callas.

Maria Callas is a soprano from Greece and a diva in the old opera tradition.

Maria, without an accent, is part of the title of the song "They Call the Wind Maria" from the Lerner/Lowe musical Paint Your Wagon (yes, it also was made into a movie as well, and yes, that same song was used in the movie, but the Lerner/Lowe musical and the movie are two different creatures). The "they" in this song are the miners, and, well, they call the wind Maria because they want to personify the wind and give it a name. Note that there is no H in the title of the song, and several typists tend to forget that when they mention this song. Although the name of the song is spelled Maria, it is, in fact, pronounced Mariah.

Maria/Maria/They call the wind Maria.

And the song lyrics are protected under someone's copyright, I just don't know whose.

Mariah is also a proper name, meaning "bitter; God is my teacher" (also from BabyNames.com) and duh, this is the name of Mariah Carey. Before you go crazy on me, yes she was named after the aforementioned song, although an H was added so anyone pronoucing her name wouldn't get it confused with Maria (def. 1).


The Friends of Mariah Messageboard requests that you "Repect Mariah," but it's okay to trash Jennifer Lopez there.

I hope that clears things up for you, America.

Yours,


Penny Woods

(Pictures: The Open Source Gallery, Wikimedia Commons, Amazon.com, Mariah Daily, MS Special)

Re: Don't you like Mariah Carey, too?

Dear America,

I promise I will not burden you with lots and lots of Mariah Carey open letters.

Until the woman disappears in the TriBeCa, I will not stop writing these letters.

Yours,

Penny Woods

(Photos: The Open Clip Art Gallery, MS Special)