Letters to Famous People

2007-02-12T10:51:00.000-05:00

Dear America,

I don't know how many people are still hoping I update this blog, but I feel I must for one important update.

YouTube has started cracking down on user accounts ~~because Google is their bitch.~~

YouTube has yanked my account, the one that contained the video with Mariah Carey drunk and singing "Heartbreaker" (that was formerly seen in this post).

I have no plans of uploading the video on another site or through another YouTube account.

I apologize for this inconvience.

Penny Woods

Re: Letter of Resignation

2007-01-23T16:12:00.000-05:00

Dear America,

As of today, I am officially retiring from this blog.

I enjoyed working on this blog for the past 11 months, but I do not have the desire to work on this blog any more. I really do not think I will come back to this blog, but if I do, I'll try to let people know in advance.

I'm sorry I had to end it like this. I apologize.

Yours,

Penny Woods

Re: The uproar in Philly

2007-01-12T19:40:00.000-05:00

Dear "Artie,"

I heard that you gave the majority of Philadelphia a heart attack when you said a seven year-old sexually enticed a 40 year-old crackhead into having sex with her instead of accepting the belief she was sexually assaulted.

I understand how you feel. It must've been hard growing up as a seven year-old gigolo enticing the ladies with your sexually suggestive Michael Jackson moves growing up. No wonder you worked with Wendy Williams!

Penny Woods

(Pic always from Ms. Special)

Re: Those darn Aspen teenagers!

2007-01-07T10:15:00.000-05:00

Dear Mimi,

Dahling, it goes without saying, but you shouldn't be talking to a bunch of teenagers while drunk (let alone drunk with a champagne flute in one hand).

Especially when one of them sneaks a camera in a (something) and the video somehow finds its way to a Portuguese-speaking person on YouTube.

Here's hoping Wikipedia doesn't change your biography just yet,

Penny Woods

(Video found at Cele|bitchy)

2007-01-04T16:31:00.000-05:00

I really, really wanted to write about the stupidity that is the recent investigation of Tyrese beating up his pregnant girlfriend and Busta Rhymes being arrested for being a dumbass...again, but I couldn't bear to harm their fragile little egos this evening.

As you may or may not have noticed, I have (finally) condensed my blogroll. If you do NOT see your link up here and you would like to be added to this blogroll, go through the nightmare that is my Blogger profile and e-mail me. I accept most requests.

Warning: this is not an invite to send me your stupid spam e-mails telling me I should buy some godforsaken product or visit some commerical website.

Thanks,

Penny

PS: Regular posting (if there is any regular posting) will resume next week.

Re: Kids Rap Radio

2007-01-02T12:54:00.000-05:00

Dear Matthew Knowles,

Few pieces of music have brought me almost to tears.

However, the samples on the Kids Rap Radio MySpace made me almost cry.

I'm not saying that your music is actually inspiring enough to make a difference in my life. I'm just saying that a innuendo-free version of T.I.'s "Why U Wanna" where a kid is "rapping" about snacktime is actually worse than anything the Kidz Bop franchise has ever put out. I am only happy to see you reach this milestone.

Congratulations!

Penny Woods

(Pics: the Kids Rap Radio MySpace, Ms. Special)

(Source: crunk and disorderly)

Re: Your twins

2006-12-23T10:29:00.000-05:00

Dear Sean Combs,

I know most of the world has seen this video, but I've just seen it this morning. (My life in the past few days has been hectic. I've had no time to sit down and actually watch dumb YouTube/Myspace/whatever videos, let alone gossip.)

So one of your twins will end up jackin' classic '80s songs just like you while the other one will grow up to be an outlaw, or, even worse, a chopper maker. That's nice.

Penny Woods

P.S. Happy holidays to all my readers and happy new year!

Oh, and happy holidays to you, Mr. Combs. Don't get flattered, okay?

2006-12-13T02:07:00.000-05:00

Good evening, all!

I know this hasn't been a banner fall in Letters. I had so many things to do in my real life that I just couldn't write letters about stupidity every day (or every other day).

This is a heads up to let everyone know that regular posting will be suspended until January. I'll try to leave a post every so often, but don't expect regular posts for a few weeks.

That is all.

Happy holidays and happy new year!

Penny Woods

Re: Port-A-Potty Advertisements

2006-12-12T12:23:00.000-05:00

Um, India.Arie?

Judging by the date on the toilets, it's already too late, but you may want to hire a new PR person.

I'm just sayin'.

Penny

(Pics: copyranter, Ms. Special)

Re: Porn Star?

2006-12-11T22:45:00.000-05:00

Mimi,

I love you, dahling, but I feel I have to address this matter and not let it pass me by (unlike this because I'm done dealing with idiots like this woman).

For years, no one's compared you to a porn star, let alone Mary Carey.

Now you're afraid that if Mary Carey trademarks her name, you'll be confused with a porn star.

Next thing you know you'll be convincing Janet Jackson to sue Janet Jacme and going on the Tyra Banks Show to chastise Mary Carey for using a similar sounding stage name...only to have Mary Carey not listen to you and release yet another porno (someday).

Yours,

Penny

(Pics: Mariah Daily, Ms. Special)

Re: Eh...

2006-12-05T17:40:00.000-05:00

Dear Andy Dick,

I've stopped caring about idiots like you. Have a nice day.

Penny Woods

(Pics: The Superficial, Ms. Special)

Re: Chemically Imbalanced

2006-11-28T17:16:00.000-05:00

Dear, er, um, ~~Atlanta's First Embarrassing Rappers~~ Ying Yang Twins,

I know this is for your new album and all...

but, you know, you and I live in America and we have this little thing called "political correctness." That means you can't technically attempt to look like an Asian and abuse a pagoda and the ying and yang sign for an album called Chemically Inbalanced or an Asian rights group will be up and down your dumb asses.

Yes, I know your name is the Ying Yang Twins, and I don't want to know how you came up with the name. I've seen enough of you after your MTV Cribs episode and when Monique was hosting the BET Awards and called you out for being...well, stupid.

Wait, why am I telling you about political correctness? You two probably can't even spell political correctness!

Penny

(Pics: Crunk and Disorderly, Ms. Special)

Re: Don't do it.

2006-11-28T16:48:00.000-05:00

Hi, Akon!

I know we just talked yesterday and all, but I think I need to talk to you again.

Word is according to the SOHH Atlanta blog is that you're filming a reality show with your three wives.

Let's analyze this rumor about your decison to do this reality show together, shall we?

This is not Senegal, stupid. We don't have a "family code" here. It's either monogamy, nothing, or being arrested because of polygamy. It's as simple as that.
No one will pick this show up for national television. Except for maybe A&E, if they ever need a follow-up on this special.
Speaking of, you were born an American citizen and you've lived here for a long time. Why claim you're solely from Senegal? I think this just might defuse your argument of "I'm Senegalese! I have the right to marry three wives because I'm from Senegal, yay!"
And don't give me that "I'm Muslim! I have the right!" excuse either. You can be a good Muslim and not have more than one wife.

I hope that clears up your problem.

Good luck escaping from the law in a few months!

Penny

(Pics: UniversalUrban.com, Ms. Special)

Re: Your lawyer

2006-11-27T15:52:00.000-05:00

Dear Fabian Basabe,

The New York Post reports that your lawyer, Mark Jay Heller, thinks that NYC police arrested you unfairly for recent drunk driving charges as well as for a suspended license in 2005.

Your lawyer even has the audacity to claim that the cops arrested him only because you've been in the Page Six gossip section for a while.

Considering that your only major contribution to society was being in E!'s Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive, may I suggest that you get a lawyer with at least half a brain?

Penny Woods

(Pics: NY Post, Ms. Special)

(Found at A Socialite's Life)

Re: Your three wives

2006-11-27T15:33:00.000-05:00

Hi, Akon!

Just saw your new video on TRL while finishing the letter below.

I immediately thought of this.

Come on, Akon! This is America! You don't say you have three wives openly in America! You're supposed to move to Saudi Arabia first. Then you can say you have three wives under Muslim law, stupid!

Penny Woods

(Pics: Top of the Pops [BBC], Ms. Special)

Re: The "Apologize to African-Americans Because I Don't Want My Career to Suffer More Than It Has Already Tour"

2006-11-27T14:48:00.000-05:00

Okay, Michael Richards,

I didn't want to write another letter on this again, but I feel like I have to.

You're still on the "Apologize to African-Americans Because I Don't Want My Career to Suffer More Than It Has Already Tour." You're even citing the "some of my best friends are Black" defense. We've heard it all before.

You're also claiming that young white people will be influenced by popular entertainers to say the N word.

Um, shouldn't you have thought about that before you tried to deal with those hecklers at the Laugh Factory?

Personally, I've never known a white person to call anyone around me the N word, but I'm going to assume there might be some lost souls that use the word.

And, um, Kramer, some of these "entertainers" use the N word to make fun of people who do use the N word. Other entertainers feature people on their shows that sadly use the N word because they're intolerant. And I've never seen or heard someone go, "Hey, white people! It's okay to use the N word!"

I think the best thing for you to do is to quit while you're ahead. You can't justify what you did at the Laugh Factory because other people said the word well before you were born, let alone before that Laugh Factory tirade.

Penny Woods

(Pics: Awave.com, Ms. Special)

Re: Read the sidebar, y'all!

2006-11-21T02:08:00.000-05:00

Let me repeat something that I put on the sidebar recently: NO COMMENTS PROMOTING ANY WEBSITES.

And when I say ANY, I mean ANY.

Links to Blogger profiles are okay as well as linking a blog through Blogger's wonky commenting system. But promoting a website through the body of a comment is not cool with me.

And H. Lewis Smith, I didn't say "Bury that nigger," Michael Richards did. I was using his quote in relation to my post, and I hate that he said that. I would never use the "n-word" (or its variant found in rap songs) on a regular basis. Think about that the next time you try to promote your book on my site. If you want to apologize, I won't accept an apology in any form. Go promote your book on Amazon, dummy.

Penny Woods

Re: "He's a nigger!"

2006-11-20T17:49:00.000-05:00

To He Who Will Be Forever Known as Kramer:

Finally caught that "performance" you did at the Laugh Factory, and, um...ooh.

It's obvious that you need help with your alcohol consumption. In this day and age, basing part of your (unintentional) act on Mel Gibson's anti-Semitic tripe (even if it was unintentional) is not cool.

Once you do get the help you need (for your alcohol and your racial insensitivity), you may want to audition for Last Comic Standing. Granted, you may not want to look like Chris Porter (or take it a step further and actually look like Chris Porter as Willy Wonka), but you can take a tip from him and learn how to dismiss a heckler with grace while keeping patrons in their seats.

Yours,

Penny

EDIT: You're apologizing on Letterman tonight, supposedly. That's a step in the right direction...but honestly, when you call hecklers "niggers," you blew it from the moment you said the word.

(Pics: Awave.com, Ms. Special)

Re: A message for Jim Jones

2006-11-17T15:03:00.000-05:00

To Jim Jones:

No one's going to take you seriously if you put out a diss track dissing Jay-Z on top of the original Jay-Z diss track, which was originally your song about whatever tired rap cliches you could cram into the the song and video for "We Fly High" and defend your Christmas album by claiming that "there's no soul" in Christmas. At least in New York, anyway.

Didn't you hear about how bad Christmas on Death Row was?

Oh, guess not.

Penny Woods

(Pics: HipandPop.com, Ms. Special)

Re: "Insulting God"

2006-11-15T12:33:00.000-05:00

Fergie, honey,

You should think before you open your mouth.

You said this to Vibe magazine:

I may not have the type of voice you like, but I can sing. You can’t take that away from me, ‘cause singing is a gift from God, and when people say I can’t sing, it’s kind of like insulting God.

I hope that's a misquotation and that Vibe/MSNBC screwed up in transcribing your quote.

We all know that whenever you sing or attempt to rap, you are directly insulting God, who is clearly telling you to stop singing/rapping/whatever you actually did with the Black Eyed Peas.

Penny Woods

(Via Stereogum)

(Pics: AskMen.com, Ms. Special)

Re: The "Hip-Hop Helen of Troy"

2006-11-10T12:01:00.000-05:00

Dear Carmen Bryan,

I wanted to write about this when I first saw it on Nah Right, but I was busy doing other business.

You claim on the cover of your latest book that you're a "Hip-Hop Helen of Troy."

Really?

You're claiming that you were kidnapped by some rapper (I assume Jay-Z) because Aphrodite said that you were the most beautiful woman in the world, and because of this kidnapping, rappers, choosing between Nas' side and Jay-Z's side, fought over you for 10 years until Nas made a Trojan horse and slaughtered all of Jay-Z's followers? That's what I assume with your "Hip-Hop Helen of Troy" misnomer.

According to this synopsis of the book at Amazon.com...

From a clandestine relationship with Nas's biggest rival, Jay-Z, that stirred up the biggest feud in hip-hop history, to seeing her reputation in tatters and a once loving relationship with Nas fall apart...

I think you should retitle your book to accurately reflect the content found it. How about It's No Secret I'm a Whore: A Woman that Slept with Nas and Jay-Z Who Thought She Sparked Their Feud Tells All? It's a much better title than the original book, and you wouldn't be confusing people who may want to actually purchase this book to have something to start a campfire with.

Penny Woods

(Pics: Amazon.com, Ms. Special)

A e-card screencap for Britney Spears.

2006-11-07T19:46:00.000-05:00

Text:

You finally dumped your nasty-ass husband!

And since I didn't want to regurgitate what everyone else said on their blog, I decided to give you an e-card because you deserve it.

Once again, congratulations!

Penny

Card from BlueMountain.com.

Re: Sorry about the short notice

2006-11-07T00:58:00.000-05:00

Dear America,

As you can see, I've just started a MyBlogLog community for readers of my blog (and blog alone). I was inspired by Juicy to do this since she recently did the same thing. The direct link to the community: http://www.mybloglog.com/buzz/community/letterstofamouspeople/

I desperately need to change my bookmarks to add and take away some of the links on this blog; I will do that soon as well and add the MyBlogLog link as well. Don't worry, though; I'm not closing down the MySpace unless something terrible happens to my account on MySpace. If you don't want to create a MyBlogLog account, come hang with me on MySpace.

Yours,

Penny

Re: Need a warm baby bottle, Junior?

2006-11-03T15:00:00.000-05:00

Kanye,

You've done it. You've finally done it.

I've completely removed Late Registration from my hard drive. I'm also taking off any song that features you rapping on it. I'm subscribing to Byron Crawford's blog ASAP.

Why? Your dumbass comments about losing Best Video at the MTV European Awards to Justice vs. Simian, now available online through the miracle of ~~YouTube~~ iFilm (now without French commentators!) (Thanks to ONTD.)

Instead of being happy for Justice and their innovative remix of a Simian song as well as its video, you had the audacity to claim that you deserved an award just because "Touch the Sky" cost $1 million (well, according to you) and it had Pamela Anderson--the two elements that make any music video great!

Spending huge amounts of money on videos does not make them great, asshat. Watch a BET music video block--it's filled with videos that should have had their production costs donated to any charity not sponsored by BET or any of its personalities.

You know what? Keep whining about how special you are and how many awards you think you deserve to win. In 10 years you'll receive the greatest award of all: The Nobody Remembers My Whiny Ass (Male Hip-Hop Artist) Award at the Nobody Cares Awards.

Penny Woods

(Pics: the "Negro please" section of Roc-A-Fella Records, Ms. Special)

Re: Worst Halloween Costume Ever. Maybe.

2006-11-01T20:26:00.000-05:00

Um, person that is supposed to be married to Britney Spears,

I know you had a show last night in LA where people booed you, but I'm perplexed by your sorry Halloween outfit.

It's just like that weird thing that Paris wore to some Halloween party, except it's even more confusing. What are you supposed to be, eh? Lestat as a rapper? Count Van Winkle? Or just a guy that can't rap wearing a stupid cape because he figured out that being himself is the worst thing he could be for Halloween?

I'll have to say it's the latter. With lyrics like "Dudes hate K-Fed/Girls love K-Fed (oh, really?)/it don't matter to me because K-Fed stay fed" and sucky Amazon.com sales (don't even ask if you're on iTunes' Top Albums list), despite lame attempts at promotion, I'd be embarrassed to be myself too.

Penny Woods

(Pic: DListed)

(Partially inspired by this Cele|bitchy post; even has link for original source for K-Fed scan link)

Re: Your Halloween outfit. Because you're, like, so important

2006-10-28T23:36:00.000-04:00

Paris,

Every year on Franklin Street girls spend money going to sites like BuyCostumes.com to purchase the most ~~sluttiest~~ "sexiest" costumes known to mankind. The "sexy"Mad Hatter. The "sexy" FBI agent. The "sexy" stereotypical white trash wife. And you know what, Paris: It's all been done before.

Just like this "sexy" policewoman.

I hope you didn't pay over $100 for the outfit, because it looks like you can buy the whole outfit for one dollar per item at the Dollar Tree.

I know you're not known for originality, but if you must impress the paparazzi, I suggest you wear what your boyfriend's wearing.

A hippie priest/flasher? Now that's a great idea for a Halloween costume!

Penny Woods

(To X17: I'm not that guy with that ugly pink blog, and yes, I took the photos via ONTD, but I'll take them down if you want me to because, well, I'm not that guy with that ugly pink blog.)

Re: That kimono

2006-10-23T17:30:00.000-04:00

Janet,

I know you've had some sort of a strange Asian, uh, "fetish" thing for several years. The "If" video, the need to incorporate Asian imagery in every tour since the janet. tour, the fact that "China Love" was inspired by a past life reading...We get it, Janet, you like Asian culture.

This publicity stunt in Japan, however, is taking it too far.

The kimono does not say to me that you are promoting 20 Y.O. in Japan. It says that you either

a) want to be Stella the Storyteller of Barney and
Friends (You know, there was this one time when Stella came through her magic door to the Official Barney and Friends Elementary School (R) [when they still had an elementary school] in a kimono and claimed she "visited" Japan. I'm amazed that she didn't "claim" the Japanese didn't pelt her with
something that's not available in the States just yet, like portable oxygen.), or
b) are spending too much time on your Asian fetish.

I suggest that you and Rivers Cuomo start a group for people like you two and call it Celebrity Asianoholics Anonymous. Together, you can fight the scourage that is the addiction to Asians and Asian culture.

I still love you,

Penny Woods

(Pics: YBF, Ms. Special)

2006-10-18T00:14:00.000-04:00

Dear America,

I am going home for fall break today. Will return hopefully to the internets on Sunday with more letters.

Penny Woods

Re: Your appearance on Vh1 Hip Hop Honors (2006)

2006-10-17T23:52:00.000-04:00

Kimberly Jones,

I don't know what I was doing to completely forget that you were on Vh1's Hip Hop Honors, but I caught part of it while I was doing nothing on the Internet.

I liked what you wore to the show.

Too bad it took jail for you to wear that sweatsuit (methinks).

I'll keep that in mind if you ever lose the weight and show up on Go Fug Yourself anytime soon. I'll be sure to send you a year's supply of Popeyes courtesy of Beyonce. You know she doesn't want to be caught with a bucket of that stuff unless she wanted to look like the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man in her next video for B'Day (which will double as a commerical for Ritalin).

Penny Woods

(Pics: Vh1.com screencap, Ms. Special)

Re: You're broke!

2006-10-16T15:55:00.000-04:00

Dear Brandon Davis,

The most viral gossip blog ever invented, TMZ.com, reports that you went to dinner with Linday Lohan recently.

Aww, how sweet. You've apparently been forgiven for those stupid "Firecrotch" comments and what you said about Lindsay being broke with seven million in the bank.

Oh, wait! It's been recently revealed that a check you gave to the guy who created the Girls Gone Wild video series bounced! And you also owe money to some guy that smokes a shitload of weed and the Palms casino! No wonder your folks are doing everything they can to get free money now.

I feel bad about your hair. You can't pay for the grease that keeps your hair nasty and black.

I've got an idea! Instead of your family and you begging people that actually work for their money for money, why don't you do something with your life and work for Soft-Sheen Carson? I'm pretty sure that one canister of Sportin' Waves can sustain your nasty-ass hair for six months.

Penny Woods

(Pics: DListed, Ms. Special)

Re: Press Play

2006-10-15T18:20:00.000-04:00

Dear ~~Diddy~~ Sean Combs,

Sorry it took so long to respond. I have a life to live. I can't be dissin' people all day, you know.

I've heard Press Play.

I think the cover art and CD insert artworkof the album doesn't exactly fit the music.

Press Play will not inspire nude women around you. It will not also inspire anyone to grab any woman's crotch. Hell, it won't have the same effect as a Marvin Gaye, Barry White or Isley Brothers record.

I think you should have used these pictures for the cover art and inserts of Press Play.

You know he's going to kick your ass in the afterlife because you're using his legacy to sell your shitty records, right?

Penny Woods

(Pics: theage.com.au, crunk and disorderly, sicksack.com, thehiphopworld.com via Wikipedia, Ms. Special)

Re: That "famous model"

2006-10-11T23:39:00.000-04:00

Dear sweet, crazy Tyra,

Something is really bothering me, and I vowed in my head that I was not going to talk about ANTM on my blog again unless something like this happened and I actually cared to talk about it, but I've given up. And this time, it's about you.

We all remember this. You getting Naomi Campbell on your talk show and forgiving each other about the bitchiness in your past. And then you introduced your, um, "Seven Deadly Sins of Sisterhood:"

Yet on tonight's episode of ANTM, you referred to your problems with "a famous model" (or whatever you said to try to conceal what you meant to those hapless Cycle 7 girls) in your past.

Bitch please. We all know that you're talking about Naomi.

I would brush it off as just another Tyraism, but you already did this when you made the Cycle 6 girls walk in those platform shoes.

I think you're suffering from one of your commandments: resentment for not being Naomi and not having the guts to whack Mr. Jay in the head with a bejeweled Blackberry for being annoying and from being so...orange.

So, my dear, sweet Tyra, I have three bits of advice for you to finally have to guts to stop referring to Naomi as "that famous model" and finally get over that period in your life where Naomi allegedly abused you.

Write: "I will never speak ill of Naomi again" on a chalkboard 100 times.
Licence this song to play when the models get eliminated.

Wear this shirt to work someday.

Yours,

Penny Woods

(Pics: from Rich's "Spazzy Tyra" video, The Tyra Banks Show website, T-Shirt Log, MS Special)

Re: That baggie in your purse

2006-10-09T16:10:00.001-04:00

Paris, honey,

Your publicist is really grasping for straws, isn't he?

He's claiming that this is not, in any shape or form, pot.

[H]er publicist Elliot Mintz insisted: "Things are not always as they appear. It would be unfair to draw any conclusions based solely on these photos."

I don't know about your publicist, but anyone who dresses like this

has to be Edina Monsoon or on pot. And last time I checked, your real name was not Jennifer Saunders.

Penny Woods

(Pics: A Socialite's Life, The Superficial, MS Special)

Re: What BET wants to use to bolster traffic for BET On Blast

2006-10-05T16:09:00.000-04:00

50,

You're starting beefs again because you need to bolster G-Unit's sales (or so I assume). That's nice.

You think Oprah is a "middle aged white woman." Then you turn around and claim Kanye West is gay.

That's ironic. It's long been speculated that you are gay.

I hope this never happens to you, but I have a bad feeling that one day you'll be found in New York hanging out with all the homothugs. How you will explain that to the press, Oprah and Kanye is up to you.

Penny Woods

Pics: (50 Cent Online, MS Special)

Re: Your Rolling Stone cover article

2006-10-04T22:22:00.000-04:00

Fergie,

Finally got a chance to read part of the article you did for Rolling Stone.

I think the sheer horror of seeing you grace Rolling Stone made me forget that you also did an interview with them.

You finally admitted that you were on something when you did this.

The cause? Being buzzed and having no time to use the restroom.

Thing is, we already knew what caused that incident already over a year ago, honey. Try harder for Rolling Stone next time, okay?

Penny Woods

(Other pics: ONTD, MS Special)

2006-10-04T22:15:00.000-04:00

Sorry about the printed post (which has since been retracted). Having photo troubles right now with Blogger. I'm still trying to resolve them.

Penny

Re: Your attempt to help promote your girlfriend's album

2006-10-02T18:45:00.001-04:00

Seriously, little man (if, indeed, it is you, little man),

If you're so desperate to help your girlfriend sell records...

YO YO YO!!!!!! WHATS UP YALL DEF JAM IS TRYIN TO DO EVERYTHING IN THERE POWER TO MAKE SURE JANET DOES'NT GET #1. WE NEED YALL MORE THAN EVER TO GO CRAZY WITH YOUR EBLAST, BLOGS, WORD OF MOUTH AND MOST OF ALL CD PURCHASE I WANNA THANK YOU ALL FOR HELPIN JANET HAVE A GREAT FIRST DAY BUT NOW ITS TIME TO SHOW ALL THE HATERS AND THE INDUSTRY HATERS THAT SHES STRONGER THAN 1 DAY THAS WHAT MOST OF THE HATERS ARE SAYIN THATS WHY THEY HAVE THOSE BULLSHIT PROJECTION I BELIEVE THEM TO BE WRONG AND WITH YOUR HELP OVER THE WEEKEND WE CAN REALY SHOW THEM WHEN I ASKED FOR YOUR HELP WITH COM YALL PUT HER AT # 1 AND SHE WENT BACK THIS WEEK SO IF WE GET THE # 1 ALBUM SHE'LL HAVE THE #1 R&B SINGLE, ALBUM,AND THE TOP 200 YOU NO HOW MAD THAS GONNA MAKE PEOPLE LOL

then at least learn how to spell and take the caps lock off of your keyboard.

WHATS UP YALL WE OUT IN VEGAS FOR THE JJ ALBUM RELEASE PARTY TONIGHT AT TAO FIRST WE GONNA HIT THE MARIAH CONCERT THEN WE PARTYIN ALLNIGHT ITS FEELIN LIKE WE WILL HAVE THE ..1 ALBUM NEXT WEEK BUT I STILL NEED YALL THAT JUS GOT PAID TO GO COP THAT 20YO IM HEADED TO THE CASIO TO TRY TO GET ME SOME MORE MONEY LOL I KNOW YALL WILL SEE THE PHOTOS FROM THE NIGHT IF NOT UMA POST SOME NEWAY IM GONE UMA HOLLA TOMORRO

And you're a record executive?

Penny Woods

(Pics: jermainedupri.com, MS Special)

(Quotes from SOHH Blogs)

Re: 20 Y.O.

2006-09-26T19:09:00.000-04:00

Janet,

I'm not really feeling 20 Y.O. I only like three tracks, and yesterday's episode of Oprah and today's episode of 106 and Trash aren't restoring my faith in your latest album, let alone those two ass-kissing tools that host 106 and Trash.

I impore you to make me believe in you again. I want to to show me why you sold all those records in the 90s. I want to believe that you're a legend that can transend the snubbing you're getting at MTV.

And you can start by taking out that ugly weave you wore on 106 and Trash.

Penny Woods

(Pics: Juicy-News, MS Special)

Re: Your idea of singing

2006-09-23T17:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Sting (the musician),

Tell me if I'm wrong (considering that some people have slammed me for not reading quotes in context), but word is you think that Beyonce and Justin Timberlake's music is soulless.

And this is coming from a man who did a song for this soundtrack as well as this song with Craig David and this lame video?

It's so easy to tell you off with a bad tantric sex joke. I'll resist.

Penny Woods

(Pics: Wikipedia, MS Special)

Re: Your theme park

2006-09-21T16:39:00.000-04:00

Oh, Michael Jackson.

I hope you're not serious with your plans to create a leprechaun-based theme park in the UK.

You do realize that the Irish (or at least, my imaginary Irish) would rather come over to Williamsburg, VA to see the Ireland part of Busch Gardens than to come to your Disney-fied mess of a theme park, right?

Penny Woods

(Pic: AskMen.com, MS Special)

Re: "Pedestal"

2006-09-19T17:25:00.000-04:00

Dear, um, Fergie Ferg,

Saw this at DListed.

Then I listened to my bootleg copy of that "Pedestal" song you wrote again.

Honestly, you shouldn't be talking. You're going out in public looking like this

and this

and the critics don't think your album is all that great, either.

Until you learn how not to pee in your pants and not to go out in public with rollers in your hair, then you can't be talking about people that know how to use the bathroom and appear decent in public. Like the majority of the human race, for instance.

Hatefully yours,

Penny Woods

(Pics: CityRag, DListed, MS Special)

Re: Your new client

2006-09-15T21:33:00.000-04:00

To the people of Proactiv:

I think I found your new spokesperson for your product.

Penny Woods

(Pics: ONTD!, MS Special)

Re: Ewwwwww.

2006-09-14T17:05:00.000-04:00

Tracy,

Yes, I know you were at Nas' birthday party.

I don't think they hired you to be the stripper at the party.

They should've hired Justin Timberlake to look like this after letting you in that party.

That TRL appearance gave him some practice.

Penny Woods

(Pics: Juicy News, Mollygood, MS Special)

Re: The Vibe cover that went up in smoke

2006-09-12T17:11:00.000-04:00

Christina,

I wouldn't be that upset that you didn't land the cover of Vibe magazine (under its new regime). I heard that Mimi Valdes was a bitch anyway.

At least you won't land the cover of this magazine. Think of what that magazine would do to your career!

Penny Woods

(Pics: Xtina Web, MS Special)

Re: Getting tossed out of clubs

2006-09-12T10:00:00.000-04:00

Oh, poor Paris.

You can't get into certain clubs and parties over and over recently. In addition, that crazy millionare Richard Branson set you up at his son's party recently by dressing his waitresses up like you.

Let me guess. Along with that drunk driving arrest, I assume you've gotten a notice that you're not a socialite anymore and you're working too hard to try maintain that status, right?

I mean, what's wrong with being cut out of the Hilton fortune and working at In-N-Out?

Penny Woods

(Pics: Cele|bitchy, MS Special)

Re: (Getting arrested in an expensive car for traffic violations)

2006-09-08T15:38:00.000-04:00

Dear Curtis Jackson,

You have a mansion in Connecticut. You have kids. You have plans for making Jay-Z pay for accepting the head honcho job at Def Jam.

Then Gawker thinks you were arrested for selling cocaine (but they're wrong) about some odd minutes ago while I was trying to log in.

You were even caught with this expensive car that has those doors that don't open like other doors.

All I can say is if you're trying to increase record sales for G-Unit, I don't think you succeeded.

Penny Woods

Re: Your drunk driving arrest

2006-09-07T20:46:00.000-04:00

Paris, honey,

When I saw this all over the gossip blogs, I wasn't shocked that you were arrested for having "one" (laughing) margarita while attempting to go to In-N-Out.

I was shocked that

you knew how to drive, and
you knew what an In-N-Out is.

Penny Woods

(Written with the help of ONTD! and Best Week Ever)

Re: Steve Irwin's death

2006-09-05T13:04:00.000-04:00

Dear Germaine Greer,

Usually I don't post items up here pertaining to people's deaths, but you provoked me.

You claimed that Steve Irwin provoked the stingray that killed him and that "the animal world has finally taken its revenge on Irwin," despite reports that state Irwin did not provoke the stingray.

I agree with Michael K. You don't care about Irwin and you're using his death as a publicity stunt, and it worked. Yay for you.

Just remember that if you meet your death at the hands of angry feminists, the feminists would have taken revenge on other feminists and yeah, you provoked the feminists that killed you.

Penny Woods

(Pics: Wikipedia, MS Special)

2006-09-03T20:17:00.000-04:00

If you are having problems commenting under a standard Blogger alias, try commenting using the "Other" or "Anonymous" radio buttons. These buttons should work; if not, let me know.

Penny Woods

Re: I don't want cocoa butter skin. From you, anyway

2006-09-03T19:33:00.000-04:00

Dear Sean Combs,

I've given up on your nicknames. They're stupid. Let me call you Sean.

Okay. We get it. You're crazy and you like YouTube. Stop making videos like this for your Press Play album (scheduled to be released on the imaginary date of OOctober 17th, 2006).

You know nobody's going to buy your new album (unless they watch 106 and Trash), but 10,000 people are trying to convert your videos for their iPods for free. Give it up.

Penny Woods

(yeah, that pic's from MS Special, I know)

Re: The 2006 VMAs

2006-09-01T09:07:00.000-04:00

Dear MTV,

I watched your joke of an awards show yesterday.

Funny thing is you won't admit that it's a joke.

You claim that the show was unpredictable, despite the fact that nothing really happened except for that guy that jumped on stage when Panic! At The Disco won Video of the Year (why?) and Mos Def was arrested for performing an impromptu concert. (Methinks you should've cut and had cameras tape Mos Def's concert.)

For a network that used to be edgy, you played it way too safe by expecting us to believe that crap bands like Panic! At The Disco and Avenged Sevenfold can make videos (let alone sing).

If you ever decide to kill the show in the near future, I've already made your tombstone. Enjoy!

Penny Woods

(Pics: MTV.com, Tombstone Generator.com, MS Special)

Re: "Baby's First Poop"

2006-08-30T22:21:00.000-04:00

Dear David Kessling, director of Capla Kesting Fine Art,

I was reading your lovely press release on...this.

Not only do you support an unheard theory of babies starving for four months on breast milk...

Babies mostly breastfeed for the first four months, so a baby’s first meal of solid food may be a baby’s first meal at the dinner table.

but you have no clue of what a baby's real first poop looks like!

I'm pretty sure Daniel Edwards, the guy who created this, um, masterpiece, dumped on a piece of wood, spraypainted it and called it art.

That leads me to only one logical conclusion: You were the validictorian at your obstetrics/art school, right?

Penny Woods

(Pics: Defamer, MS Special)

Re: Your exploits

2006-08-29T11:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Miss Marchand,

You're probably wondering why I haven't been writing about your latest exploits.

I really don't care, Foxy.

I think the last time I really cared about your exploits is when you came to Raleigh and spat on those two Holiday Inn workers over an iron. (The saddest part about that sentence is that you stayed in an Holiday Inn in Raleigh. Surely there's better hotels in the area that you could've stay at, right?)

Seriously, when Gawker starts to mock you, you need help. Not necessarily God, not necessarily Jesus, just help.

Penny Woods

(Pics: Wikipedia, MS Special)

Re: And speaking of Allmans...

2006-08-28T16:16:00.000-04:00

Dear Elijah Blue Allman,

According to the Scoop, last week you went on this guy's show

and said you had sex with this, um, person

and then said you cleaned your penis with something like this.

Please tell me you're kidding.

I mean, you know you can get a serious burning sensation from putting Tilex on your penis because you think you might be getting a burning sensation from sleeping with Paris, right?

Penny Woods

Found at Best Week Ever

(Pics: Wikipedia, The Scoop @ MSNBC.com, Tilex.com)

Re: Idlewild

2006-08-28T14:21:00.000-04:00

Dear Associated Press,

I just happened to read this article via the Blackfolks community about how you thought that "Idlewild" didn't exist in Atlanta.

Instead of checking your facts about any other Idlewilds that might exist in the US, one of your writers was like, "Uh-uh, no. There's only one Idlewild, and that's in Michgan. Let's rile up some Negroes."

Okay, yes, there is an Idlewild in Michgan, and yes, it was a large African-American tourist spot.

But there's also an Idlewild in Atlanta, and although it's a ranch, it's called the Idlewild, all right. It inspired the title of the Allman Brothers' Idlewild South album.

I suppose you have Stephen Glass working with y'all as a factchecker. I suggest you fire him and get some new people that can actually factcheck your articles before you upset the delicate balance of the Blackfolks community on LJ again.

Penny Woods

P.S. Blackfolks community: PLZ add me. I've applied twice. Twice, okay? I'm a really smart and insightful person. I can make a difference on your Livejournal blog. I'll do anything! PLZ add me. (pouting)

(Pics: AP website, MS Special)

Re: Yet another cover. Please stop making me address your damn covers

2006-08-26T17:54:00.000-04:00

Beyonce, honey,

I was dismayed at your latest cover for your latest single.

Look, I appreciate that you really care about defying the stereotype that African-Americans are more prone to be "alligator bait" than any other race.

But I thought "Ring the Alarm" was about...well, it's not about you in an ugly bathing suit in heels with two badly-placed alligators in a swamp. I think the song's about a woman trying to keep an unfaithful man.

Problem is, I don't see the man, so are you trying to scare him too? I mean, the ugly bathing suit's enough to make him jump in the swamp and kill himself. However he dies is up to your imagination, uh, Bee.

Penny Woods

(Tip: DListed)

Re: Your Sidekick photos

2006-08-24T10:53:00.000-04:00

Dear Ne-Yo,

You've heard of this woman's Sidekick being hacked, right?

Well, what about this guy's Sidekick allegedly being hacked?

You'd think you would have known, after these Sidekick scandals, to avoid having pictures and information taken off your Sidekick (let alone take stupid private pictures on it). Then again, I think pussy offten occupies your mind, so it's no wonder you didn't think of not taking pictures of yourself getting head on a cell phone.

Someone (a rightfully pissed off female dancer of yours) took these wonderful pictures of you getting head from one of your dancers off your Sidekick. (Links within link may be NSFW.)

Well, we don't exactly know if it's you yet. It could be a male impersonator with a dildo. Quick, pull an R. Kelly and deny that you're in the pictures!

Regardless of these photos, I have already established that you have a problem.

Seriously, you need to start a club for people like you.

You know what you should call it?

The LL Cool J Memorial Club for Anonymous Male SuperHos.

You know who you should get as your president: Michael Knight. I bet he'll know how to save male superhos like you.

Yours,

Penny Woods

(Pics: Amazon.com, Wikipedia, MS Special)

Re: Comments

2006-08-23T21:01:00.000-04:00

Dear America,

I've gotten a complaint that the comments links are not showing up in my posts.

I had the comments section labeled as "postscripts," but since I don't think a lot of people caught on that the "postscripts" were the comments section, but since no one caught on, I've changed it back.

Sorry for the confusion.

Any other problems, let me know via the e-mail link in my Blogger profile or my MySpace.

Keep leaving comments, by the way. I lurve flattery and flaming.

Penny Woods

Re: Your video

2006-08-23T18:04:00.000-04:00

Dear, um, K-Fed,

Look, nobody likes this.

Nobody went to your party celebrating that.

And you've got Trent mocking you on PITNB.

And I'm amazed someone created this for you. Who really wants to admit they're a fan of yours?

So I don't know why you're making a video featuring that song. You know, the one you did at that awards show that no one actually cared about.

Good luck releasing it. You know even those tools at TRL are going to mercilessly talk about how godawful it is, and those TRL tools kiss ass to nearly everyone that walks through whatever entryway it takes a week to install in those New York studios.

Penny Woods

(Pics: A Socialite's Life, MS Special)

Re: Paris

2006-08-22T18:37:00.000-04:00

Congratulations, Paris!

Your album's getting rave reviews from critics around the world!

Well, except at All Music Guide. They're comparing you to, er, um, "Baby Jane."

This must mean that when Christina grows up, she'll be an old alcoholic abusing her brothers and sisters to get a bottle of Grey Goose. I can't wait for that to pop up in the tabloids!

Don't be too disheartened, Paris. You may be delusional, but until you get a husband and talk about his big cock on record, you can never be on Baby Jane's level, let alone people less talented than Baby Jane. You know, like Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston before Just Whitney and maybe My Love Is Your Love.

Here's what I suggest you should do for your next record. Record it in an imaginary studio with imaginary microphones and recording devices. Press the album in imaginary factories, and ta-da! You'll have an album that will recieve rave reviews all over the world...except for that guy with that ugly pink blog. He'll hate it because he can't kiss your ass over how wonderful it is (and bite my style while he's doing it).

Not really yours,

Penny Woods

(Pics: A Socialite's Life, Rolling Stone)

Re: B-Day

2006-08-22T13:12:00.000-04:00

Dear Beyonce,

I hope your latest album is released the day it's supposed to be released despite the reports that Papa Knowles is trying to stop the presses.

That way, we can all celebrate how successful your album will be.

That is, among anyone that watches TRL. And maybe 106 and Trash, but TRL.

Well, at least you're not sitting in a vagina anymore. That's a good thing.

With apologies to Danielle "Dani" Evans,

Penny Woods

(Pics: Amazon.com, MS Special)

Re: Your Musical Genius

2006-08-21T14:59:00.000-04:00

Diddy,

I've always known you weren't talented. You had luck with your original roster of Bad Boy artists, but ever since Shyne was jailed, you've been trying to prove that you are talented.

You just blew it by saying you thought Paris Hilton's "Fightin' Over Me" was the hottest track of the year and the Nicole that's forever associated with PCD was going to be a new Madonna or Beyonce, despite the fact that Nicole has never gone through pointed bras, spirituality and disco or has ever slept with Jay-Z.

Before you claim that "SexyBack" is similar to something found on the Beatles' White Album, sew your mouth up. And get some hearing aids while you're at it.

Penny Woods

(Pics: UK Yahoo, MS Special)

2006-08-21T14:29:00.000-04:00

Good evening, true believers!

I, Picture of Stan Lee, am proud to announce that Letters to Famous People is relaunching now!

You'll note that the site looks a lot like the Gawker Media family of sites. The site is wider now, and I don't know how it looks on a regular computer. (Penny has a widescreen laptop and she can see the whole screen with little problems.) There are also some small changes on the site. If you hate these new changes, please let the seemingly mysterous Penny Woods know ASAP, and she'll change whatever she can to this site, since the beta version of Blogger won't allow many physical changes to blogs just yet. But she'll do the best she can.

I must return to my superheroes to berate them for making mistakes in their pasts!

Excelsior!

Stan Lee

2006-08-21T13:39:00.001-04:00

Hold on, true believers! I'm tweaking the blog a little bit because I've just signed on to Blogger Beta. More to come...

Re: Fall relaunch

2006-08-16T10:06:00.000-04:00

Dear America,

Since I don't find the news of the new Sesame Street Muppet or that Justin Timberlake special on MTV interesting, and since I think it's pointless to rag on MTV for not showing the "Call On Me" video without sounding like some dumb protest letter, I am writing a pointless letter only warning everyone that next week (by Wednesday, but I'm hoping Tuesday) I will be returning to posting every day (or every other day, depending on the news).

And yay, Diddy's having a new child!

Whatever.

Penny Woods

Re: Somethin'

2006-08-12T09:35:00.000-04:00

Dear, um, Eyez, and Flavor Flav!,

Yes, I know that you've already taped The Flavor of Love 2 and Flav is with his new girl as we speak.

I know y'all don't want any golddiggers or people that have appeared on Blind Date, Elimindate, NEXT, The Fifth Wheel and Cheaters trying to make it in Hollywood without acting lessons.

I was dismayed when I saw your precious Somethin' on Crunk and Disorderly posing for some big black women porn site. Eyez, you were supposed to dig this out from behind Somethin's leaky behind and tell Flav in the first episode (that is, unless you did find out that fact and you did tell Flav but it was edited out). I don't know if Flav's cool with a former porn star (apparently he's cool with someone that can't control their bodily functions [scroll until you get to Somethin's profile])

If anything, I hope you told her dumb ass that whatever she said about the 95% of men that want to have a threesome with another man was wrong. Hottie is not a reliable scientific source of information.

Penny Woods

Re: Your PR Tour

2006-08-09T16:57:00.000-04:00

Quickly, before this lame public spyware-filled computer crashes on me again and these clueless high-school kids want to ask me on a date again...

Dear OJ Simpson,

Recently I saw on Good Morning America that you were planning a tour to help repair your public image.

I'm thinking you're thinking that murder trial you had about 10 or so years ago ruined your public image.

I beg to differ. You destroyed your public image when you stole DirecTV from your neighbors. And when you have to steal DirecTV from your less famous neighbors, that's sad.

Penny Woods

Re: FutureSex/LoveSounds

2006-08-05T09:45:00.000-04:00

Dear Justin Timberlake,

It's bad enough that the first single from this album is called "SexyBack." Now we have to deal with an album title that looks like you've decided to become Jade and invent your own dumb compound words?

Anyway, I had the misfortune of seeing you ham it up earlier this week on TRL. You said that your album title was the result of so many of your album's tracks containing either "love" or "sex" in their respective titles. Sounds like that one-word title gimmick they used to promote Ashanti back in 2002.

However, I have one question burning inside my head--why does your new album title sound like it's a porno soundtrack from the 1970s? And why does "SexyBack" sound like it would start off a 10-minute segment of a cheap porn movie?

Penny Woods

Re: Your new CW show (please, CW, don't air this show alongside ANTM)

2006-08-02T13:48:00.000-04:00

Dear Pussycat Dolls,

Why do you need a new member?

It's bad enough you almost had your likenessess made into actual Barbie-like dolls.

Why don't you do us all a favor and either

a) break up and let Nicole have that solo career she's been dreaming of, or
b) put on some clothes for once if you insist on making "Don't Cha Part 44?"

Penny Woods

Re: Your arrest

2006-08-02T13:38:00.000-04:00

Dear Mel Gibson,

I think we all know about your recent arrest and those comments you made while you were drunk.

Those comments comfirmed my suspicions of what I thought The Passion of the Christ was about--blaming the Jews for Jesus' death.

Can I have my seven dollars I wasted at looking at your shitty movie back?

Penny Woods

Re: America's Got Talent

2006-07-29T09:37:00.000-04:00

For anyone interested, I've posted my thoughts on the The Way It Is letter in the comments section of that post, and I'm sure I'll upset anyone who thinks Cole is "real"... again.

Dear, er, um, the Hoff,

My mother was so excited when she saw on the news that you were prevented from boarding a flight because you appeared drunk. She thought it would affect viewership for America's Got Talent.

Then again, she watches some of the worst "rockers" in history butcher Nirvana songs, so what does she know?

What concerns me is that you're thinking about leaving America's Got Talent because you want to do a show called...Travels with the Hoff.

Seriously, are you so vain that you think people are watching the show just to gawk at your cast and call you "the Hoff?"

People are not watching America's Got Talent because of you. They are watching because they want to see a 70-something year old woman wear a nightgown and rap. (There's some other people that are talented as well, but apparently she's the forerunner right now according to you and your fellow judges.)

If you ever want to have a career not making bad pop records in Germany for life, it would be in your best interest to stay on America's Got Talent and make death threats to jugglers and anything like jugglers.

Penny Woods

Re: Your shorts

2006-07-26T13:41:00.000-04:00

Mimi,

I'm guessing this is for the tour, right?

I love you, girl, but seriously, after seeing this,

may I suggest you not go back to your "Heartbreaker" days and put on at least one of those too-tight dresses that cover your ass, dahling?

I don't care if you have to cut a slit in a one-of-a-kind-it-will-shrink-because-it-is-Italian-cotton dresses, put something on to cover your ass, girl, because you know those fans that actually want to kiss your ass the way it is in that photo aren't going to say anything.

I still love you,

Penny Woods

Re: Brooke Hogan

2006-07-26T13:04:00.000-04:00

Dear Hulk Hogan,

It's bad enough that I'm doing yet another music-related post.

It's worse when your daughter isn't really that great of a singer. I cringe whenever I see that video, even though somehow Paul Wall made a cameo in it.

I consider myself to be a smark--probably the worst smark in history. I'm guessing that you let the WWE writers write you in an angle about how Randy Orton wants your daughter and that you'll fight him to defend your daughter's honor or something like that.

Let's be honest here. You're trying to help promote Brooke's album by fighting Orton.

What makes you think that because you're a wrestling legend that makes occasional appearances on RAW, your daughter's album will sell? I don't think her target audience watched RAW all the time.

You know what you need to do? Go to TRL and benchpress all the hosts--that way TRL can finally be interesting for the first time ever!

Penny Woods

Re: FAYTH

2006-07-26T12:50:00.000-04:00

The pictures on my comment verification aren't coming up on this computer I'm stuck with, so I've decided to make this a new post.

Dear FAYTH and everybody that's like FAYTH,

You don't have to read this blog.

You don't have to leave a stupid comment on this blog saying "NOBODY CARES ABOUT UR OPINION." Apparently people do like reading my opinions.

You don't like it? Don't cry about it. Go somewhere else. I would suggest some options, but I'm sure I'll agitate a few more people like I did in that post about that guy that owns that ugly pink blog.

Penny Woods

(Edit: Seriously, stop attempting to prove you're smarter than me by calling me a fukwit. That's not even a word.)

Re: The Way It Is

2006-07-22T10:10:00.000-04:00

And now, a special request from Thelma Evans and "Florida (Evans) From the Grave."

Dear Keyshia Cole,

I've decided not to watch another episode of The Way It Is.

It's not because I don't sympathize with your childhood. It's not your Kool-Aid hair. It's not (exactly) your singing, although I never really liked hearing "Looooooooooooooooooooove" on urban radio.

I keep getting the words "she needs medication" in my head for some reason, although I'm convinced your doctor wouldn't give you Prozac if you asked for it. I think that's why I'm not watching The Way It Is anymore.

Penny Woods

Re: This petition

2006-07-22T09:44:00.000-04:00

Dear Robert Thomas and the Undersigned for this petition (I'm amazed there's over 1000 of y'all!),

Yes, we know that the new "Deja Vu" video is bad. It's bad for me because whenever I think about that video, I think of Jade's profile on MySpace--she used to use something like "deja vu" as a nickname. I've always dreamed of confusing a MySpace profile of a reality star with a terrible song and video by Beyonce.

Anyway, every day on shows like TRL and 106 and Trash, bad videos are shown and bad videos are added to their countdowns. (And, in the case of 106 and Trash, new-yet-awfully bad hosts and cumbersome graphics.) Why complain about Beyonce having seizures in a swamp that looks like the one shown on Treasure Hunters when you're not complaining about Ashlee ripping off Million Dollar Baby, Jessica's godawful "A Private Affair" video or that Aly and AJ video that should be playing during commerical breaks on the Disney Channel?

There's so many bad videos you can make a petition on if you're bored, Robert. If you ever make another stupid petition, please make one about how dark Ciara's new video for that mystical Step Up movie is too damn dark for my TV.

Penny Woods

Source: Crunk and Disorderly

Re: Your new video

2006-07-19T14:29:00.000-04:00

Dear Fergie,

You're so lucky I can't access YouTube on these rotten public computers at my local library. Otherwise I would show Exhibit A to everyone who reads this blog.

I just wanted to congratulate you on having the most cliched first single ("London Bridge") and album (The Duchess) in history!

In addition, "London Bridge" may be the worst summer song this year!

Have a happy summer!

Penny Woods

Re: Soul of a Man

2006-07-15T10:05:00.000-04:00

Dear DMX,

Recently I've heard that you've been complaining about your portrayal on Soul of a Man, claming that BET edited you to look bad.

Personally, I think if you're going to spend two or so hours in a convenience store at two in the morning eating "fresh" donuts and cracking eggs in plastic sandwich trays and allowing a film crew to tape yourself doing that, you're going to look bad anyway, and no amount of editing can save your dumb ass.

And don't get me started on how your dumb ass didn't surrender yourself to the court before 2:30 p.m.

Penny Woods

Re: Another awards show?

2006-07-12T13:29:00.000-04:00

Katt Williams,

I actually think you're funny outside of those lame-ass rap interlude you did on "Pimpin' All Over The World" and however so many tracks you did on The Naked Truth. You're one of the best comedians on ~~Whose Line Is It Anyway? Ghetto Edition~~ Wild 'N Out. You should have been in that America's Next Top Model episode where the models did really bad improv comedy. I know you would have made every one of them intentionally funnier than they were trying to be.

It's great that you have a new movie and clothing line coming out.

And yes, I know your gimmick is that of the fake-ass pimp.

But an album called It's Pimpin' and a clothing line called Secret Pimp Society?

When I think of It's Pimpin, I keep thinking of Jimmie Walker and his album that I'm sure no one owns today called Dy-No-Mite! I'm guessing for It's Pimpin' you're recreating the Dy-No-Mite! cover--you'll be holding a pimp cane made out of dynamite and hoping the stick doesn't blow you into pieces.

As for the Secret Pimp Society...I've seen several pimp films, from The Mack to Willie Dynamite to I'm Gonna Get You Sucka and American Pimp and even I know that a pimp wears too much shit and has too many hoes to try to keep his job a secret. Try denying that you're a pimp when you're wearing a pink suit lined with zebra fur while wearing the cheapest snakeskin boots you can find. Hard, ain't it?

Penny Woods

Re: Your lawsuit

2006-07-08T09:48:00.000-04:00

I know you're not famous, Allen Heckard, but you need a letter.

You're suing Nike and Michael Jordan for over $800 million...because you get mistaken for Michael Jordan and you refuse to wear anything else but Nike shoes to seperate yourself from your faux Michael Jordan image.

You get compared to Michael Jordan and instead of either accepting it or exploiting it like a master of identity theft, you act like Michael Jordan ran you over with 200 stretch H3s and because you think Michael Jordan ran you over with 200 stretch H3s, you feel like you need over $800 million.

I mean, I did that thing where a website tells you what famous people you resemble (I got the link from DListed, I forgot the actual link) and it told me I looked like a whole bunch of people I don't think I look like...including Vin Diesel.

That does not mean that I'm going to sue Vin Diesel for The Pacifier money because the money from The Pacifer is about as bad as drug money.

I'm just amazed that a judge hasn't thrown out your case yet and sent you to a mental hospital, because if I was handed your case in court, I would do exactly that after I saw your plaintiffs on the paperwork.

Penny Woods

Re: Alleged feud

2006-07-05T12:24:00.000-04:00

Dear print tabloids,

There is no fight between Janet and Mariah.

Stop publishing things like this.

They are not going to rip out each other's weaves at the ESPYs, so stop trying to make it happen.

Yours,

Penny Woods

Re: The View

2006-07-01T09:43:00.000-04:00

Honoring a request by Thelma Evans, but I was just thinking about this myself.

Dear Star Jones,

You've decided to leave The View because you felt betrayed by Barbara WaWa.

You were so hurt about your dismissal you felt like you needed to go on Larry King Live.

Yet you knew you were going to be leaving before Rosie O'Donnell (of all people) was asked to join The View.

I mean, it's bad enough that I know you exist and I don't even watch The View regularly to hear women talk all over each other while interviewing celebrities and people that have no idea what they're talking about (like that woman that said that pink Wu-Wear shirts had gang affiliations).

I think you just need to shut up and disappear so I don't have to look at your nasty-ass body (let alone your face) ever again.

Penny Woods

Re: Computer update

2006-07-01T09:38:00.000-04:00

Dear America,

The good news is I have my new computer.

The bad news is because of the lack of broadband connections where I live and because I can't find a dialup modem to at least try dialup, I'm stuck doing letters at a timed computer in a public library.

I'll be back in full force for a while in August until October (at least until they finally establish broadband connections where I live).

Penny Woods

Re: You

2006-06-17T11:19:00.000-04:00

Britney, dear,

If you don't want the tabloids to make fun of you,

Look like you're not stereotypical white trash,
Act like you're not stereotypical white trash,
Don't hang around with stereotypical white trash,
Raise your children like normal people and
Return Madonna's Kabbalah book.

It's the least you can do, you twit.

If you can't read this letter, give this to your male nanny. I'm sure that he understands all the big words in this letter.

Penny Woods

Re: Weekends with Maury and Connie

2006-06-17T11:10:00.000-04:00

Dear MSNBC,

Thank you for cancelling Weekends with Maury and Connie.

I tried to watch it after Connie Chung attempted to write these godawful, unfunny letters and The Soup made fun of them, but I couldn't survive the first three minutes of that godawful show. Makes me wonder why those two are married.

I hope you told Connie that she needs to, er, um, stick to being Maury's wife. It's bad enough hordes of people chant "MAURY!" on his show because his audience is so confused they think they're on Jerry Springer. At least Jerry has some class. It was worse when Maury attempted to look like an honest journalist. I don't know exactly when he blew the "honest journalist" thing, but methinks by the time he did that pro-Michael Jackson special on FOX, he blew it.

BTW, Connie should leave the letter writing to amateur wanna-be wags. Like me.

Penny Woods

Re: Your Arrest

2006-06-15T10:58:00.000-04:00

Dear Hoopz,

Your 15 minutes is up.

Please stop assaulting police officers to get your name back into the news. Seriously, if you wanted another reality TV show, you should've stayed with that nasty old man who calls himself "Fla-Va Flav!"

You know VH1 will make a reality TV show out of anything, now. My Fair Brady, Hogan Knows Best...the next reality TV show they'll probably do will be one featuring one of the commenters on Best Week Ever if only to keep repeats of I Love the 1970s, 80s and 90s So Much I Can't Live In This Decade from running on the network. God knows they would have done Strange Love 2: This Man's Too Old For Your Ass.

Penny Woods

Re: Jade's birthday

2006-06-10T09:47:00.000-04:00

Dear America,

Today is Jade's birthday.

I know, nobody really cares. A lot of y'all rather celebrate Faith Evans' birthday instead.

I know a lot of you have seen this picture.

I know a lot of y'all don't really care about this picture.

All I keep thinking about is that particular episode of ANTM where Jade is hoping that she's going to get weaves but instead she's flipping through some fashion magazine with her cropped blonde 'fro and her blonde eyebrows whining about girls with "long hair" can make it in the fashion industry. (Screw the long hair, Jade, you have the magical Afro that you can shape into any shape imaginable!)

The inevitable punchline to this whole setup: Jade saying "I have long hair now, baby!"

I think that's it. I don't hate Jade like the majority of people that watch ANTM (Robin and Camille are a hell of a lot worse than Jade IMHO), so I don't have anything else to add as opposed to true She-Woman-Jade-Haters.

Penny Woods

Re: Mariah Carey Tickets!

2006-06-02T15:46:00.000-04:00

Dear America,

Sorry for leaving such a sad message last time I was here.

I have nothing new to report.

My sorry-ass excuse: Despite missing out on the special Wednesday offers that Mariah was hawking on TRL and 106 and ~~Trash~~ Park (that is, type TRL or BET to get pre-sale tickets for the concert), I've just scored tickets for Mariah Carey's concert in Atlanta. I paid for a ticket in Section 106 at the Phillips Arena (about $80). It's the best I can do without paying 20 bucks to get into the nosebleeds. I need transportation money too, you know. I can't afford those $130 floor seats! I need to get back to North Carolina or I'll never graduate at UNC!

I tell you this not because I strive to be like Trent or a certain Madonna-loving, Mariah-bashing blogger I loathe, but this will probably affect my thinking for the rest of the evening. That and most likely that week in August I won't be blogging.

The downside: telling my mother this ticket isn't exactly for the weekend like I first thought it was.

I'll try harder next week.

(Note to self: watch Best Week Ever and The Soup for ideas.)

Penny Woods

2006-05-27T10:05:00.000-04:00

Dear America,

I hate to tell you this, but I have a responsibility to tell y'all.

I've been having problems with my computer since the beginning of this year. The frame of my monitor kept popping out more frequently. Eventually (although I don't think this is related to my frame popping out) the right hinge on my monitor stuck. Now the monitor on my computer doesn't work anymore--a cord that shows the picture on the screen snapped and all I get when I look at it is a white screen. I'm worried about retriving anything on my D drive that's still left on my old computer--the drives on my old computer work; I just don't have a picture on my computer.

I'm finally getting a new computer--not the Dell I dreamed about but a computer through my school. It, along with my new 60 gigabyte black iPod, comes in June.

This means my full-time return will come sometime in June.

I am sorry for all my computer troubles.

Penny Woods

Re: American Idol finale

2006-05-25T16:31:00.000-04:00

Dear Fox,

You just happened to catch me at a bad time.

You see, BET had their panties all the way up in their crotches because I had the kindness of reposting an old 106 and Park interview with Mariah Carey for those who missed it. Copyright infringement. (Damn DMCA laws.)

Anyway, I attempted to see American Idol, and although I like Paris a lot, I had to bolt before her performance because of the beginning of a stream of special guests.

American Idol (or at least your finale last night) has turned into the Jabba the Hutt of reality shows.

You had 10,000 special guests last night from Burt Bacarach to Mary J. Blige to Prince (Prince?), pointless award ceremonies for (mostly) terrible singers that were bounced in the first episodes, and one bad musical moment after another for 1 hour and 56 minutes just to announce the most obvious announcement in the world--Taylor Hicks is our new American Idol.

I feel bad for Meredith Viera because she cried after she saw the results. No additional comment.

Next year, please don't make the finale of American Idol a sappy, inspirational musical from hell when American Idol is just your average reality TV show with tons of financial backing.

Then again, I'm sure y'all are ignoring me right now because as long as America is in love with Jabba the Hutt Idol, y'all will never make the format bearable for someone like me who has a passing interest in the show.

Penny Woods

Re: "Firecrotch"

2006-05-20T10:24:00.000-04:00

(By reader request--thanks MizMonica6!)

Dear Paris Hilton,

Saw that "Firecrotch" thing on Best Week Ever the other day.

I bet you thought you looked intelligent while Brandon Davis (that twit oil millionaire's son) was like, "oh, Lindsay Lohan has a firecrotch. I don't know if there's, you know, actual fire in her crotch, let alone STDs, but I wouldn't do her anyway. I'd do her imprisoned daddy. Oh, yeah, she's broke, too, because she only makes seven million dollars."

You couldn't look any dumber.

One of the commenters on BWE said that House of Wax was just as brilliant as Just My Luck was. I agree with him.

You know what, though?

By having a moronic oil millionaire's son diss whom you consider an enemy instead of doing the dirty work yourself, you look more weak and pathetic than you already are.

And besides, why have someone claim that Lindsay Lohan has a firecrotch when you've been accused of having a firecrotch yourself? I mean, you did star in your very own unsanctioned pornographic film, 1 Night in Paris, and you can still buy copies of it (in this state!) through Adam & Eve.

Next time think before you attempt to diss, okay? And get your own balls when you attempt to diss next time, not some other random D-list nobody's.

Wishing you well along your path of idiocy and obscurity,

Penny Woods

Re: ANTM

2006-05-18T16:11:00.000-04:00

Dear sweet, crazy, Tyra Banks,

Thank you for making Danielle winner of this cycle of America's Next Top Model.

Thank you for picking someone who I feel deserves her dream of becoming a model come true.

Thank you for ensuring that next cycle's My Life as a Cover Girl will not have a boring Nicole-type looking like her mother whipped her with a strap because she was bad doing those horrid Cover Girl commericals.

Thank you for picking someone that looks like a model--unlike Nicole. (Or Naima, for that matter.)

You will not be forgiven for that less-than-spectaular runway show, though.

But thank you, Tyra, for not making me break my television (just in case you showed Joanie on your little TV screen, although I do heart her).

I shall watch your talk show and make fun of your seemingly exhaustive blinking forever more.

Penny Woods

Re: The Legends Ball Special--Now Less Than One Week Away!

2006-05-16T16:27:00.000-04:00

Okay, Oprah.

I mean, really, you're going to send an e-mail out to your list serve that reads like this

Due to a nationwide address by President Bush Monday night, May 15--Oprah's Legends Ball Primetime Special has been moved to the following Monday, May 22 at 8:00 p.m. ET on ABC.

A Message from Oprah

Put your Legends Lemon Drop Martinis on ice for one more week, my friends!

We wanted to get the word out to you as soon as we heard that our Legends Primetime Special will air exactly one week later than originally scheduled. I'm so excited for you to see it--and that gives you seven more days to plan your own Legends parties with your friends. On Oprah.com--you can get my recipe for Legends Lemon Drop Martinis and Rachael Ray's five-minute appetizers. Then tune in Monday, May 22 at 8:00 p.m. ET on ABC for my Legends Ball special.

I want to see this hot mess of a show too--if only to heckle you and every one that you claim inspired your life enough to create your ego-driven "divine vision."

Hey, at least Janet's having a happy birthday without having nightmares of your special airing before Grey's Anatomy!

Penny Woods

2006-05-16T16:24:00.000-04:00

Dear America,

I thought I approved some comments on my blog recently, but apparently they disappeared into thin air or I accidentally hit the "reject" button in the moderation queue. My apologies about the missing comments.

Oh, yes. I don't ever want to marry Tyler Perry and he'd hate my ass because I'm an agnostic (I believe in God, but I don't belong to any organized religion).

JUST SAYING

(rolling eyes)

Penny

2006-05-12T15:12:00.000-04:00

Dear America,

I feel so bad leaving you all without a notice.

I'll write a short letter next weekend, I'll know that for sure, but right now I don't know when I will see a computer next.

I know I haven't missed anything. Crazy Tyra infiltrated 106 and ~~Trash~~ Park, Jade moved on to the final three in ANTM and Britney Spears is going to give birth to the second coming of the Omen. That's all I remember from this week.

I'm in the process of having Internet access installed in my house. Yay!

First, I have to get a new computer--I don't want to kiss ass and pay $250 again to the powers that be at our lame IT response center just to get the hinge of my laptop fixed. (They pay $250 for accidental water spills on laptops as well and they say that $250's affordable. My ass!) Then I will have Internet access.

Hopefully I'll be back before June and not staring in front of a library computer with a godforsaken one hour time limit.

I'm off to read the fourfour blog now! See y'all when I get back!

Penny

Re: Your problem with gaps

2006-05-08T13:29:00.000-04:00

Dear, sweet, crazy Tyra,

How are you going to ask why

kept the gap in his mouth on today's episode of your talk show

but you forced

to fix hers on America's Next Top Model?

Did you shiver when you were talking about the people with gaps in their teeth in your family when you talk to Bobby?

Were you wearing a diaper when you told Bobby that so you wouldn't wet your pants?

Can't you get those people that helped conquer your fear of dolphins (dolphins?) get rid of your fear of gaps?

Trust me, Tyra, you will not wake up in Danielle's former gap. Danielle wouldn't allow it.

Penny Woods

(Pics: UPN.com, bravotv.com, MS Special)

Re: The May GQ

2006-05-06T12:36:00.000-04:00

You'd better hope that this is a rumor, Michael.

You're bitching about your portrayal by someone that specializes in impersonating you in this month's GQ. (Article here, but there is one photo available online which I will repost below. And damn, that impersonator looks better than you nowadays.)

This after you successfully got BET to ~~kiss your ass~~ pull Eminem's "Without Me" video from their network ~~when that cretin Bob Johnson was in charge~~.

Oh, sure, it's "wrong" when a "fellow musician" makes fun of you ~~and refuses to kiss your ass~~.

But parodies like this one from MADtv are okay.

I'm guessing you, at 47 years old, still think that you're a 12-year-old kid and that you can throw tempers at whatever offends you that isn't playing past your bed time (which I assume is before 11 pm EST).

Look, Michael. The world is not run by children yet (a hope that you expressed in that thankfully out of print book Dancing the Dream). You'll know when that will happen. The Apocalypse will have come and killed everybody on Earth because some baby pressed a button that triggered the world's supply of nuclear weaponry. Stop throwing hissy fits--we have a Constitution that allows us freedom of speech and freedom of the press. You can lobby against it those things at the Capitol--oh, that's right, you moved to Bahrain. Guess there's no use for you to try and challenge US law, is there?

Penny Woods

(Pics: Wikimedia Commons, MS Special)

Re: The One Million Dollar Tab...and Eating

2006-05-05T18:50:00.000-04:00

Miss Lohan, your stupidity amazes me, chile.

You have the nerve to (allegedly) go to the British press and talk about wanting "tits and an ass" and talk about your desire to eat food, but you're racking a one million dollar bill at a hotel renting a bungelow, a chauffeur, Cristal and other meals and drinks for your friends--and you weren't even in LA, where you owe that hotel tab!

If I were you, I would've saved that million dollars and spent it on lots of these.

Yep, think of all the Big Macs (R) you could've bought for yourself so you would look like this today

instead of this.

Seriously, get a brain.

And don't let Tommy Mottola force you to sing "If I Only Had A Brain" while you're looking for it.

Penny Woods

(Pics: Egotastic!, McDonald's USA, MS Special)

Re: Life Is Not a Fairy Tale: The Fantasia Barrino Story

2006-05-05T15:17:00.000-04:00

Dear Debbie Allen,

I don't care what anyone else says. You ruined the latter seasons of A Different World for me with your endless moralizing and sick desire to hook up all the characters that didn't leave before season five.

I still have nightmares about your Fame reality TV series. I still remember that "America" segment I wrote about on the Jump the Shark page I linked to.

I'm glad I haven't seen one of your obnoxious Oscar dance routines.

You are set to ruin Fantasia Barrino's life story...you're even getting the former Dwayne Wayne to play her father.

One quick question: Are you getting the Dwayne Wayne of the first three seasons with the lame jokes and the flip-up glasses or are you getting the Dwayne Wayne of the last three seasons that sought out Whitley and began to take pride in thinking she was his property? When I think of the latter Dwayne, I think of that bad sixth season "Mandingo" joke...and my assumption that Dwayne wasn't as hung as he thought he was.

I'm guessing you're going to have some really bad, dated and ignorant jokes written by Glenn Berenbeim, who will single-handedly make Fantasia's life a joke. I guess he creamed his pants when he found out the movie was coming to Lifetime.

Oh, and I'm not worried about Fantasia being able to act...I bet Fantasia can act better than you can direct.

Penny Woods

(Pics: the Debbie Allen Dance Academy [and my IP address will be banned from that page for life after today], MS Special)

(Tip brought to you by Defamer)

Re: That new Ice-T show on your network

2006-05-05T14:28:00.000-04:00

Dear VH1,

Seriously, how did I miss your announcement about the Ice-T reality show where he teaches prep school kids how to rap until I saw it on Fresh's site? All I remember is that little tidbit where Paul Wall was creating his own VH1, um, "Celebreality" show.

I'm guessing your latest staffers recognized Ice-T from old Behind the Music stock footage and Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. I bet your staffers don't even know who Body Count is and how Ice-T is affiliated with them. (I've heard that "Cop Killer." Y'all may want to pass on that little inflamatory song.)

I don't get why you're giving Ice-T a TV show. I should be happy because rarely do you see African-American men getting their own shows without embarrassing themselves (see your own Flavor of Love).

But your idea for Ice-T's show sounds too much like one of your earlier shows.

You remember that show that you completely ripped off School of Rock?

You know, Gene Simmons' Rock School?

I'm assuming that you thought with all the caskets and condoms and comic books that Simmons plasters the KISS characters on that Simmons was getting a bit too much money, so you were like "Let's hand Gene Simmons' Rock School to the next sucker that wants his own VH1 Celebreality show and tailor it to his needs so it looks like we never ripped off our own shows!"

Okay, okay. You found your sucker in Ice-T and you saved money by not flying your primary star to England and keeping him in New York.

One thing, though, before I close my letter: You do know this show will be as successful that Gene Simmons' Rock School, right?

Except Ice-T's new show will have a viewership of whoever's controlling programming in your control room.

Penny Woods

(Pics: VH1.com, MS Special)